June 30 [Sat], 2007, 23:31

im back...i got home 3days ago.

i just cried a lot when i left there...i was like a baby..

but i was listening to the song "big girl dont cry" by Fergie lol

the trip was terrible...

it was tiring both physically and mentally.

i went to my school yesterday to get the paper work done.

i met a lot of teachers and friends n talked to them.

actually it was nice to see them.

i felt like a really famous n popular girl that day.

everybody was excited to see me.

i was really happy to see them too.

and i was very excited that many of them said ive changed a lot!!

but the nice day was only that day...

my real life would suck...

i even dont wanna think abt it.

i wanna quit that school sooo bad...

i really do..

why would i go to the school that i dont like??

how come i still go there even though i graduated HS in the US already??

but i just dont have enough courage to quit.

i always need some insurances or sort of things.

i dnt care to laugh at me...

this past 10months were too short n too deep to remember...

was it just a dream??

i just woke up, didnt i??

ots just too sudden...im not ready to get usedto here...

honestly i dont wanna belong here forever...

real life is too cruel to me, guys...

am i strong enough??

would my will be strong enough??

10months are too short.

its nothin.

maybe life is nothing too.

but i want it to be that i want.

is it too much to ask??

am i too selfish??

u think i still have to have a lot more patiance??

its not easy to do what u want...

its not easy to do find the way to live...

i cant handle my life guys...

i cant stop wishing...

i need to get over it...

i need to look forward...

but i still wish i could have stayed there as long as i wanted...

im still trying to get away from real life even though i know i cant.


June 08 [Fri], 2007, 23:33
hey, it's been a long long time

i just didn't care abt this blog...nobody looks at it anyway

so, how's going guys

i've done a lot of things last 2months

well...my older host sister moved out,

and she's been living with her dad for 2 months...

i took ACT test which is kind of college entrance exam,

n i got 20 over 36 on it...

not too good, but not bad

i could go some colleges here already

i beat a lot of American students

im gonna try hard though

we moved out too.

we've been living in much smaller apartment

but closer to school for 2weeks.

it really didnt matter for me cuz im leaving soon...

i met a guy who is very cute n nice

but i dnt talk to him anymore...

he might be a real jerk

i dont know if what i heard is true, but...

i decided not to call him till he calls me

and...he never called me

maybe i was just stupid...

i was very excited abt the fact that

somebody likes me sexually...as a girl,

n i could have somebody whom i could tell anything,

i dnt have to be afraid of.

i hanged out with him several times, but i dnt know...

i thought he was just sooo nice and cute too

i hope what i heard was not true...

actually im not caring abt it anymore...

it was just the time i could have been crazy

i took IL constitution test even though

i've been taking history class (cuz im junior), not government

so my his.teacher had had study sessions for me

every after school for 2weeks

what the special thing is...

omg, he is freakn HOT

i just cut myself up...i look fugly next to him lol

anyway, i went to school for the study sessions for 2weeks...

he is not only cute but very nice n smart

he's like the nicest teacher ever (he loves Japanese culture)

he's only 26, but he has a wife and 1 year old daughter...

he's broken my heart

he told me that i should keep in touch with him...

i should e-mail him before i go home...

of course i will dont worrylol

oh, why i had to take this constitution test is...

im graduating i had to pass this test...

and i got 93 over 100 thanks to him

well...this is my biggest crush in America...lol

so im graduating...TONIGHT

i think it's not fair to American students at all

cuz i've been here only 10months,

but they've been at high school for 4 years

i kinda feel bad...but its OK...

i cant believe im going back to fuck'n Japan

unbelievably soon...

i will come back here in 2 years though...

i just keep saying it to myself.

so i can go to my school that i don't like,

i can have patience to live my boring Japanese life.

i just do what i want here, not thinking about going home.

i still have so much to do

ill attach some pix later if i can...

i dnt have them now though...

my friends have them so ill ask them.

ive gotta go...i have to be ready for the graduation

have a nice weekends...love ya


March 30 [Fri], 2007, 0:17
Hello It has been longtime since I wrote last time

Well...I'm sure no one would check this blog

So, how are you guys doing

Are you having good time through this spring break

I am doing well

My grades are good at school

And this spring break can be called my cue

I went to see Knox college in IL with Ester and our teacher

It took 5 hours to get there from here...

I didn't want to go because of this and Ester,

but actually it was really nice trip

And hotel was nice too lol

Anyway, I started to think about going to the college here.

I just saw only one college, so I might have to see the others too.

But Knox college amazed me so much

It is really small college, only 1300 students go there

And the students are passionate for learning, of course smart,

their view are wide, but clear.

The history, buildings are so pretty too

I thought I wanted to go there so badly...

International students can go there half price too

(I'm not sure if I can be international students

for American college, cuz I have U.S. citizenship)

Well, it seems not easy to get into there though.

I have to get 25 on ACT which means I have to be very smart.

(but ACT score doesn't matter for international students)

But this college is not only college in America,

so I have to check the other on the internet.

It is going to be really hard if I choose either way,

I go to the college in America after I graduate high school


I go to the college in Japan for now, and I will see

if I can go the college here after I finish the college in Japan

If I decide to go college here soon,

i can focus on studying English,

and not too hard to get into a college,

I can get a job and money after I go home from here.

And I'll be able to make loan to pay for college.

I might be able to live with my HF on winter/spring break

but if i choose to go Japanese college,

I can't focus on studying only English,

I still have to depend on my parents money,

I should study crazily every subject that I don't need in the future,

and I may not be able to go to the college here

which means I have to live in japan for longtime.

I can't make decision....

I have time though...

I can talk about it to my parents, my teachers in Japan...

I am scared to talk about it to my dad, but...

Anyway, I'm not even accepted by any college,

so I can't say anything...

My thoughts are going around in my brain too much...

Today is, my host sister, Rhia's 18th Birthday

We are having dinner at Rhia's favorite restaurant with friends,

and going to bowl,

and then everyone is sleeping over our house

We're excited

Well, I gotta go now...

Thanks for reading this article if there is someone readlol

Have a lovely spring break, guys

pessimism "subito" 

March 02 [Fri], 2007, 7:23
Hello, guys How are you doing recently

I've not been doing anything on this blog for longtime

I suppose no one notices this blog though

We got the 3hamsters about 3weeks ago

omg, they are freak'n cute

I'll attach some pictures of them later

One is mine, another one is Rhia's,

and Jordyn's is living her boyfriend's.

Mine is a boy, his name is Mario

And Rhia's is a girl, her name is Peach

Isn't it cute Maybe we will get thousands of hamsters...

Anyway, they were named, but we always call them

"Hi, hammy"lol

I am doing well at school

I made a few friends again

So school is kind of fun now

I'm keeping good grades except psychology

I got C on psych...

But i'll try to get at least B in that class...

I'm having fun

However, i'm kinda depressed...

I couldn't sleep well these days,

and i cried a lot last night...


I wrote about it before too.

Some people say

"Don't even think about it.You have 4 more month.

You should think about how you spend the rest of the year."

ok I knew it

But I can't help it, you know?? I just can't...

But ppl who don't care about me annoy me with saying like that.

I'm just scared....

Many people around me in Japan seem so dumb...

They are being stupid, doing trifling things,

tired of nothing...

Maybe i'm wrong...

They might spend everyday

with thinking about something important for them.

But i can't learn anything from them,

nothing amazes me there...

So i was always kind of isolated

cuz i didn't wanna be fool or a jerk like them.

I didn't wanna put myself down being with them.

Well...i can't deny i was stupid

cuz I cared about ppl even though i chose to be alone.

I shouldn't care...

So i think the longer i spend time in Japan,

the bigger my disgust is getting...

Anyway, maybe that's because i'm here only this year...

so everything is interesting for me...

Just having conversation with different ppl in different language,

eating different food,

i'm doing many different things here everyday.

BUT, i just don't like Japan...

I can't be proud of being Japanese,

i want to resign from being Japanese.

I might be wrong...

I might be biased toward Japan too much...

but i can't help it...

i want nothing more than to escape from going back home...

i am just really afraid...

Have a nice weekend


February 10 [Sat], 2007, 7:46
Hello, Guys How's going

Thanks for comments, Yuka

I e-mailed to you last night...so

I don't know how much I've eaten popcorns

since i came America too

Don't even care about that principal...

She sounds retarded

I got A on my Bio test and Pre-calculus test

I really really wanted to change my math class, you know.

So this result of precalc test made me happy

Yesterday, we went to Milwaukee for field trip for band class

The musics were really really good,

but they are also extremely good to fall asleep

So...we could take a nap b/w 2nd and 6th period

After school, me & Rhia ran to mall,

and we had dinner at Wendy's

Then we went to store to buy food for her Spanish class' project

She had to make traditional Spanish food for 400 people

So I helped her to cook it. It took 4 hours

We went to bed 2'o clock in the morning...

It was really really fun, though

Yesterday was really long day

Anyway, Rhia is very comfortable to talk to...

She is very mature as I wrote before

I can't believe she is my age

Yesterday, on the way to school from concert in Milwaukee,

Rhia's (my) friend, Ellen (she's so cool)asked me

"Why are you so quiet How come you are so shy"

I said

"Maybe I'm not interested in people...

because I'm not hearing people when they are around me.

I'm always thinking about something else.

I'm not even trying to hear or listen to people...

So I do not know what I should ask.

and the thing is, English is not my language.

I'm still afraid of speaking it."

Ellen goes

"First of all, your English is fine.

I can understand you, you can understand me.

You do speak English here, Ok

You can ask people anything.

And you ARE interested in people.

Don't you really care about people?

If you weren't interested in them, you wouldn't have come here"

I said

"yeah...that's true...

But...I'm sorry...I'm kinda boring person"

She told me "I can change it"

When we were wt Wendy's, and when we were cooking,

I talked to Rhia about that

She said

"How come you are so quiet,

you have many things to want talking about

Like...i told you before I think you keep lots of stuff in your mind"

I go

"I don't even know...I can be loud...

Actually I was in Japan. But...

I really don't know what makes me like this.

She's like

"You don't feel comfortable with many people, right

You can't open yourself.

It just takes longtime for you to get used to people.

I used to be like that."

Sometimes I talk about it to Rhia.

But she never judges me, encourages me too much,

she just listens to me and gives me some advice.

I don't think she thinks I am her best friend.

But she is really close friend for me now.

Today, after school,

Rhia and Ryan went to Rhia's boyfriend

who goes to the college 2 hours from here.

So they are coming back on Sunday.

Rhia was really excited.

And Jordyn went out with her boyfriend.

You see, I would be home alone...

Then, before he leave, Ryan came up to me,

"Do you wanna come with us

Just kidding.

Mom said you could invite your friend home."

I was like

"I don't have any friend."

He goes

"Then get some"

I go

"I like to be alone as I told you before.

Don't worry about me. Have fun."

He said

"I don't think you do.

Well...I don't say anything about it now.

I don't have time.

We can talk each other after I get home.

You can talk to me anytime if you want.

Then, lock the door....blah blah blah...OK"

He is really really smart, and older than me,

so I feel comfortable with him too.

He is really thoughtful.

Anyway, my ex-host family is in Hawaii now

Because Robbie could get chance to go to PRO BOWL

He invited them to watch his special game in Hawaii.

I wish i could go...

It is dangerously cold here lately

This is my host family's picture (Christmas)

me hostmomRyan (19)
Ester (17)Rhia (17)Jordyn (16)

My host sisters are really pretty, aren't they

And my host brother is very cute, too

My host mom is very very busy now.

I can't thank her enough.

Thanks for reading this

I know it's too long, and i don't know what i wanna say.

Anyway have a nice weekend


February 05 [Mon], 2007, 5:38
Hello, Guys What's up

Thanks for your e-mail, Mio

I e-maild back to you...probably to your cell phone

And, thanks for your comment, Yuka...

I checked it, so....

I am doing fine in my new school

I couldn't change my math class though

My counselor didn't allow it

She thinks I am really smart

But I am NOT

Do you know my math score

My marks in trial exam were 16/200 last year

God, I HATE math

But I think I could fit my school

Last week, I went to see the movie and have dinner

with my friends and host sister, Rhia

(Rhia is working for movie theater,

so I can see a movie and get popcorns and pop for FREE

Isn't that wonderful)

I really didn't wanna go, cuz Ester was coming too.

But Rhia's friend really wanted me to go

So I went there and I could have fun

At Warren, I did have a few friends,

and I did go to Chicago or somewhere with them.

But I couldn't have fun...I couldn't do it by my own.

Thanks to Rhia and Jordyn, I can have fun

Thanks to them, I can have a few nice friends

It has been 10 days since Ester left this house...

Finally we stopped talking about her...

But now, she told every her friend

we kicked her out!!

she didn't have to leave, but she wanted to!!

She made up everything!! She lied a lot to us!!

But I'll try not to talk about her...it's so offensive...

SUPER BOWL is today

It is very very big football game

It will be decided the champion of America

So Illinois is like having special holiday cuz Chicago Bears might be champion

We're having party today, so


from The New York Times

This is my ex-host family and Robbie, kicker for Bears' interview

for "The New York Times"

There is a picture of him and my ex-host brothers.

He is famous football player now

What the hell!! 

January 25 [Thu], 2007, 10:41
Hello, guys What's up

Bears (Chicago Bears) won last game

So they are going to SUPER BALL

Good luck, Robbie

My school has started this week

To be honest, it's much better than Warren's school days

I think I'm having fun and good time at school

But I wanna change my math class...

You know, I'm really bad at math

I'm taking pre-calculus class, I studied this in Japan, but I don't remember

I can't catch up with this class...

The teacher is kind of sucks...I can't even finish my notes

Anyway, I got A in statistic class at Warren though

It is ever the best grade I got in math class, I guess

Today, Ester left this house...

I thought she was gonna leave here next month...

She said she was leaving school early to do her assignments today...

But she packed her all stuff in fact...

No one knew she was leaving this house...

Why didn't she tell us truth??

Why didn't she tell host mom directly not through people??

I am really confused like screwed up...

I feel bad...

I feel kind of sad even though I didn't like her so much...

It's not fair to her...

She didn't seem sad though...

But I think we're feeling better , happier...

Anyway, we're having meeting about it tonight...

I don't think there is a point to talk about it

because she's already left.

By the way, Ryan's gonna leave this house, of course...

That's kind of funny and interesting and retarded, huh

I really don't wanna go back to Japan...

I think about it lately...

My Japanese life was freakin' bored...

My Japanese high school is too dumb to pay for the classes...

I think classes are ridiculous

How come they don't make us to think more

Why don't they make us just to remember a bunch of stuff

I didn't feel like I was learning something from school...

Kinda ass hole, aren't they

So I feel sorry for my parents...

And I appreciate everything that they're doing for me.

This is from my host sister, Rhia

Isn't it cute

Yuka, I'd like to wait for your e-mail

Please reply to me if you have time...

But you don't have to be hurry...

Have a nice week See ya


January 20 [Sat], 2007, 7:32
Hello everybody

How's going

My long winter vacation is almost over...

I was really bored, but I don't know if I wanna go to school or not

But, I saw my ex-neighbor who is Japanese, you know,

and we went to big Japanese store by Chicago and had dinner

I could see my ex-host mom too

She dyed my hair red (high light) again

I had really good time with her...I talked to her a lot

But Tanner who is my ex-host brother has brain tumor again...

The doctors thought they got rid of all of his tumor last year,

but they found new 2 tumors in his brain last week...

I was really shocked when I heard about it from his mom

But he doesn't have to hurry yet...so it is kind of good thing

Anyways, I am sorry for 2 articles before this one

Probably I shouldn't write about it, but I did.

And I won't delete these for some reasons.

It is not fair if I delete them.

May be she's going to leave this family...

She doesn't have to, but she wants to.

She doesn't feel comfortable any more with this family.

That is really sad and may be stupid in many ways...

But my host mom and Jordyn who is 16 years old host sister don't know...

I, Rhia, and of course Ryan know that....

But no one's supposed to know it.

I don't wanna care about anything about her...

I want to have large heart...

like...to be able to think just let her be, let her do it like her.

I am like a 6 year old kid...

I should have patience, I should be more adult.

I am thinking many things not only about her...

And I can't improve my thinking...

I can't be like adult...

Because I don't know how I wanna be.

How can I be??

How can I have confidence in myself??

How can I think??

I Know I Am Mean Pig 

January 07 [Sun], 2007, 2:45
Hello, guys

Everyday, we talk about Ester when she's not home...

I feel kind of sad about it...I may be really mean

But I'm jealous of her

Because she can't understand English well,

[Everyone says my English is much better than hers]

she doesn't her homework by herself (she always asks help),

[I do my homework by myself coz I don't like to ask help soon]

but she is planning to go to American college

after she graduate her Italian high school

I can't do that...I really want to do though...

Because I can't understand English as native speakers

So my parents are not gonna pay for me...It's like bet

But I really want to get job in America...

I don't wanna live in Japan in the future...

And I can do that easily because I have US citizenship

But in order to get nice job here, I have to graduate American college...

It is hard task...I want to graduate Japanese college too

It is so much money, you know...and it needs very good ability

I can do that if I try hard...if I could talk to my dad (my dad is impossible to talk to though)

But Ester thinks she can do it easily

Why can she think like that although she can't or doesn't do her homework

Why can she have big dream like to be an ambassador although she can't understand English well

But she may have confidence in herself...it's really good thing

I have to have that...may be I do, but I can't show it coz I'm afraid


My host brother still likes Ester

It is sooooo interesting

It is really fun to watch them...I know I'm mean

Anyways, my host sister whose name is Rhia, 17,

she is so mature

She is really thoughtful, and interesting to talk to

I know many things what I have to do...

like I shouldn't think I have to be perfect because nobody can't be,

everyone has different sight,so...

I knew it long time ago, but I can't stop think to try being perfect for me

I talked to Rhia about many things like that last night

I wanna be maturer, i wanna think clearly,

I wanna be attractive...

I don't know what I wanna say,

but I think I learned many things from her last night

I think she is so...I don't know...

go away 

January 02 [Tue], 2007, 9:56

How's everything going

I had party every night from Dec. 23rd to Jun. 1st

Especially New Year's Eve party was soooo fun

I don't know why...may be because there were no kids

You know, I don't like kids So sometimes parties were hard for me

I'm bored now, though...I have nothing to do

My host sisters and the girl from Italy(her name is Ester) are dating with their boyfriends now


I talked to my host brother New Year's day midnight...

Many things...most of stories about our problems

we have some problems in this family...

He is 19 years old. I'm glad I have a big brother

You know...we have some problems about Ester.

Not only me but all of my family and people at school are really frustrated her.

Sometimes we don't wanna even hear her, or see her

My host sister who is 16 pissed Ester off long time ago

She(HS) reads person very well, and judges people really quick.

I'm getting along really well with her though.

And another host sister who is 17 and host brother, they look get along with Ester,

but they just don't wanna be cause of problem

She is really difficult to live with

She needs a lot...and she doesn't appreciate what we did for her

She acts like she does, she acts like she does care about us.

But she doesn't actually. She lives in her own world

So she can't see anything It's very very sad

So she's frustrating and really annoying

I told my host brother, I'm trying to get away from her

Because I can be really mean to her...I can be in bad mood easily if I am with her.

I can think easily that she is retarded, idiot, or bad things when I am with her.

I actually do!! It's soooo sad!! I can't believe myself coz of it.

It's really bad...but I shouldn't do any bad things to her.

She's been here before I came here.

I can't piss her off if she could do to me

I like her, and she is really nice, cool, pretty...

but just it doesn't work out

My personality and her personality are too different...like opposite

I don't have confidence to live with her for 6 months, but I have to.

If I couldn't, I would have to go back to fuck'n Japan...so.

It might be good experience... to have patience

The thing is...it may be good for her too to live with me.

I don't wanna say such as stupid things by myself, but

I am much politer than her

I do care about people around me

I don't say everything what I thought or see

I don't think I have to know everything

All of my host family said most of people like me not her.

She knows about them except the last one...so she's a little afraid...

So I hope she will be able to behave.

We do like her as part of our family.

So it's OK...I'll try.

I think I shouldn't write down about it, but I am really stressed.

Anyways, my host brother is very smart

And he is really nice to me

He just wants to help this family...you know... there are too many(5) girlsww

And he said to me "I think you are very cute, prettier than Ester"

I was really happy Because Ester is very very cute and gorgeous seriously

I don't know...he may be just trying to think like that.

Because he used to like Ester as a girl

but host brother can't be exchange student's boyfriend, so

I'm freak'n bored...I'll be bored this month.

I think I don't have to go to school

coz my new school holds final exams of 1st semester this month.

I had had final exams already last month

I am sick of being bored

But it's my fault...I couldn't make friends...

If I made good friends (or boyfriend), I would not be bored

I'm excited to go to new school, because my host sisters and Ester are going

It would be very very fun

I'll try to have fun at school...of course at home too

I am really sorry that the 1st report of 2007 is like complaining...

I wanted write down many things, like about times, my goal of this year or whatever...

But my biggest thing was this...I'm so sorry.

I hope you had a good New Year
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» ただいまぁ... (2007年07月02日)
» hoja!! (2007年06月12日)
» foggy (2007年03月31日)
» foggy (2007年03月30日)
» pessimism "subito" (2007年03月08日)
» stink (2007年02月10日)
» stink (2007年02月10日)
» GO BEARS (2007年02月09日)
» What the hell!! (2007年01月28日)
» What the hell!! (2007年01月27日)
名前:かなえ 年齢:高校A年 趣味:読書・映画鑑賞 憧れ:デンゼル・ワシントン アメリカ留学します☆☆    
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