third entry 

2005年07月07日(木) 4時40分
[current music: aliene mariage]
[current mood: weird]

i'm an idiot, ne?
i started this journal, ignoring the fact that i have up to three more journals on other places and don't speak one word japanese (ok, yes, i do, but with those few words and kana-knowledge i can feel happy that i even found out how to write in here...).

however. it took me a long time to write again and i'm sure, it will be like this the next time, too.

it's not much that happened here.
ok, dir en grey finally came to germany and i saw them live *whou*...
and i lived on, don't know why, i just did and i seem to be able to just live.

i still feel lonely and depressed as hell, so, last night i started to search for "ursa minor". do you know x-day? it's the manga about four people who want to blow up their school... i don't want to blow up my school. but i have problems and need to change something in my life, so i remembered the story and searched for that chatroom.

i found three "ursa minor" chatrooms and created a fourth one by myself. but they're all empty... mh. i know a few interested people in america, but we can't chat in our 'sleepless nights' because of the time-differences. they have around afternoon, when i have my sleepless nights, and i have it early in the morning, when their nights begin.
sad sad.

finally, my new cds arived today. most of the music i listen to is japanese indie-rock and visual-kei and it's very hard for me to get cds of that kind of music... so it's everytime a very happy day for me, when new cds arrive. *bounce*
i didn't listen to all of them yet, but i looove aliene m'ariage!

ok, enough for today.
if i don't write anymore, search for akuru meiou and you may find the other places where i've been around.

second entry 

2005年04月20日(水) 9時13分
[current music: dir en grey]
[current mood: thoughtful + depressed]

yay, i'm back!
i wanted to update weekly or dayly, but now it seems to become 'monthly' ._. sorry.

the last days i wasn't at school. i'm not really ill... but... i think, i'm depressed.
i hope i can be happy again... tomorrow?
oh, no, i know, i can't. i would have to work for being happy.
but how do you do this?

my doctor sent me to a psychiatry last winter.
because of depressions.
i didn't get a place there, though.
so... everything will keep being as it is... i fear.

i wish, there were someone to talk to...
someone i could trust. more trust than this nearly anonyme journal...
someone who doesn't get a depression hisself, because of talking to me...
someone who can listen and doesn't ask false questions...
someone who knows about all my feelings and stops asking me hard things, if i feel like crying.
someone... perfect? no, he doesn't need to be perfect.
it would be ok, if it's just a human who is mentally stronger than me... and nice to me.
is there such a someone...

today i thought again 'i want to die'.
my parents treat me, because of my... wounds.
my bestfriend seems to hate me, glares at me, says i'm stupid.
my doctor can't help me.
my psychologist nearly cried, shaked her head and said '' all the time, when i told her about my life.
my last bandmeeting was over one month ago...
and my girlfriend has a depression, too.

there's noone.
noone i can talk to.
noone who can understand me...
noone who is strong enough to deal with my pain.

you see...

but there are happy things, keeping me alive:
dir en grey and mucc will come to germany *yay*.
at least dir en grey i'll see live.
i mustn't die before... so... i'll live on, at least, until the day after the concert...
...and then... i hope, then i'll have another strong happy thing, i want to live for.

i'm sorry for this very sad entry.

first entry 

2005年04月02日(土) 11時55分
[current music: あやびえ]
[current mood: 眠たい + ハッピ--]

おはよ~!! (\^-^/)

ok, it may sound much better if i try to write english.
i'm not japanese and i can't speak japanese language x_x...
and i can't speak english language.... >_> fact... i'm german and not good in -any- language.
but i thought it may be funny to test this out (and i -want- to learn japanese!).

this week i don't have any school (it's easter-time ^-^/) happy easter to you!).
the last days my girlfriend was here (she visited me; it was lot of fun, and a good time to relax, too). most of the time we were in our beds and read comics *laugh*.
on thursday we were ice-skating. ooh, i love ice-skating (\^o^/)!
my bestfriend came with us, but i think, she does -not- like ice-skating ^^". that's ok, so there is at least one thing i'm better in ^^... nyan...

however, today my girlfriend had to travel home (it's over 300 kilometres from me ;_;), and now i'm alone again ._." .
it was an a-bit-thoughtful and a-bit-sad day, but now i'm happy, because my neopet cheered me up *hihi*. if you don't know it yet, you have to go to and look at those pets (かわいいです).
ok, i was lazy this night <_< i promised to work on my homepage or at least practise some guitar... but i first needed something to forget my sadness and then i... just got lazy *hmpf*... i'll have to get up early, to practise guitar today o.o!
that means... i'll have to go to bed... -now-. (here in germany it is 05:28 AM, and i didn't sleep the night ._.").

nyanyan... then let's say: goodnight, sleep well (\^-^/) (おやすみ~!!)
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