sad lives 

August 01 [Fri], 2008, 10:46
ever since I came back here, I've been able to realize how deeply blessed I am, yet at the same time, I couldn't ignore how sad these people are.

they seem to have no desire to live. or, maybe they do. it seems that they are living in a world that has no intention. no dreams, no passion. how could they live like that?! I can't possible imagine how sad that is. I mean, what is the point of living if there isn't any thing to live for?

they live to work, not for happiness. they live with greed. I am greedy at certain level. I like money and material stuff too. with money, I could take more classes, I could buy a piano, I could do some recording. those are important for my career. money is important to survive.

they are not strong. sure, even when it seems like a tiny problem to one person, it doesn't mean the same to the other person. so at indivisual level, they are fighting their own life. but this prospared, and abandoned society has been spoiling us. they do not know what to expect. what to do in their life.

I can't find their life fun or interesting. I am different. but I love who I am. I love what I do, and what I want to do. I am blessed and grateful for everything I love and everything I have. thank you for everything.

life is a gift 

July 27 [Sun], 2008, 12:44

randy's last lecture. this is amazing. life is a gift. you don't know how blessed you are unless you want to realize. and most of the time, we're so ignorant about that. I'd like to use this opportunity to thank all these people who helped me and support me all these time. thank you very much. Randy's speech was incredibly powerful and he taught me the importance of life.

ever since I came back to Japan, I've been realizing how blessed I am. I was able to find what I want to do in this life, what my purpose is in this life. I was allowed to pursuit what I'd love to do. and people love me and support me for who I am. and I got to find the one I love. this world is full of suprises and happiness if you want it to be. and you have to see the world with positive attitude and certain belief.

Right now, I am given a wonderful opportunity to pursuit my purpose. and I can't be more grateful for that. you don't have to look for happiness to be happy. you have to realize what you have, and where you are. when I didn't know anything, I was content. I want to thank for everything and everyone that I involved with.

Life is a gift.

so what's up??? 

December 05 [Wed], 2007, 15:44
what's going on in my life... I don't know. each moments has their own meaning and purpose. if that is true, I'd like to know what they are. maybe, you have to find them on your own.

Life is full of adventures. Not everything is fun and exciting. most of the part is painful and tough, just like fortminer said in the song.

50% pain

this is so true. If God is working on everyone's life and fight for them, who truely believe in GOD, and if you believe that, you won't worry about where you are or what is happening to you. that's what they said. I do believe that there is a higher power somewhere. maybe GOD, maybe something else. maybe it's some type of self enlightment. who knows.

I haven't changed that much. most of the time, what I write in this blog is the same contents. I'm lost, I'm upset. why am I so negative??? why don't you just let everything go and relax??? that's what I said last time. but have I been doing that?? not quite. to be honest with you.

I guess it's a nature of human being to wish that life is easier, or things are easier. there are so many things that upset you or disturb you. and we know, at least for most of the time, they are there for us to learn. Sadly, it's not easy to realize that at the moment you are experiencing. if life is all about doing what you want to do, there might be nothing left to learn. sometime a litte detour could teach you a lot of lesson. just like me. (I don't know "A LITTLE" part though...)

anyway. you don't get easy way our most of the time. that's the reality. people tell you what to do, how to do, or even how to feel. that's not what it should be. you should be your own boss. it doesn't mean that you don't have to care about other people. you still have to care about them. but this is your life. you have to participate in your own life. yes, there might be a higher power. but there are so many for you to look and learn. I'm not good at it though.

I want to live happily. not content. I want to know that I Live my life. not someone else telling me how to live.

Live, Love, LIFE.

Life or something like that.

that's why I declear now that I will be happy.
no. I am Happy.

cuz I know I am and I wanna share and show it.

lost.... new departure 

October 16 [Tue], 2007, 2:17
what do you think??? am I just getting lost??? or just being stupid???

I mean, there are only so many things that you can control. Most of the time when things are out of your hands, you can't do anything about it.

I've been working on this relationship for such a long time. but what's the difference between working together and giving up????I don't know if what I'm doing is a right thing.

I think what I have to do now is a new departure. start from the begining. I wouldn't let anything get on my way. Even though it's gonna be tough.

to forgive myself 

September 04 [Tue], 2007, 9:02
I have no idea how I came out like this.

it's tough to accept and love who you really are. cuz you know. this world is a full of pressure. but According to Luis, which I agree with, it's really upto you how to take everything. if you take that in a positive way, the effect will be positive to you. on the other hand, if you face things in negative way, of course that will affect you negatively. So... the point is, you have to always have positive attitude towards the world. It's hard for a lot of people to do that.

This book that I'm reading now, called Spiritual Warrior, this book is amazing. but the sad thing is that I can take what he says so naturally and easily, though I can't take what Luis says in the same way. How is that??? Whatever he says, he only means the best for me, he wouldn't do anything else. So how come I can't accept and appriciate for that. It's sad really. He's been trying to help me all along and I can't take that???

last few weeks, until last night, I was doing so well. So well. I wasn't mad at anything. I was happy. I appriciate for what I have and accept things for the way they are. I'm just blaming this on the heat. cuz I hate the heat as much as I hate traffic. but yesterday was horrible. I was so negative and pathmistic. I don't want to be like that any more. that gave me such a huge minus power. though I have my point too. I don't think people have to go out in the crowd all the time to have fun. You can go to the beach and have fun. you can watch a movie and have fun. there are so many way of having fun. You just gonna have to let go everything, and be in the moment.

Luis said I'm boaring. True enough. I expect security before I expect fun and leisure. I'm not like him. I do know that. Even though what we have, the idea of life is always a happy place if you just let everything go, is the same, it just didn't click. maybe it was only one of the thing that we wanted to argue with each other. But I do believe that I can be happy. Don't just try just do it.

I still don't know. I wish I could make things better. To be a spritual warrior. I have to fight. I have to fight against me. You have to be aware of the negative thought within. that is a very important thing, if you think about it. you have to know both idea and pick the positive one.

I am a spritual warrior. from now on, I won't quit.

you have to live your life fully no matter what happens. Cuz Now is already a past.

where i belong 

April 19 [Thu], 2007, 10:26
everyone belongs somewhere.
but where do i belong???

maybe i'm not good enough.

how many times did i choke myself by thinking about this.

this endless, worthless, and useless question.

where i belong?

what am i?

or even why am I still alive???

i love this land. yet i hate this land more than anything.

love and hate...........

sure. how can i prove???

Live now.

that i hate the most.

what about my future? my dream? my goal? my plan?

Don't make any plan. cuz plan always fall apart....

maybe that's true. but if so

what am i living for?

this loss, wonder, and despire...

you think you know more than anything

so be it.

cuz you could destroy me so easily.

sing your own song... yet. 

April 05 [Thu], 2007, 10:21
sing your own song, use your own voice
your voice is not a thing to be afraid of

ok.. so that's the message. but when you are not sure what your voice is, what would you do???

now i'm lost. don't know what my voice is.

maybe if i sing more, i could figure out.
but the more i sing, the more i'm afraid that it might not be my voice.

do i want to be like someone else??
am i just imitating them???

what's my real voice????

where's my heart.....

spring starts..... 

March 21 [Wed], 2007, 10:19
this has been my theme for last couple of days.... I really needed to clear up myself with this concept. maybe it's just me. maybe there's no need to identify what is what. maybe what it is right now is good enough.... but how could you know???

what's real me??? this book says, don't ask or look for the answer for "WHO I AM". cuz you won't find the answer. you know what i mean?? is there any answer to that??? Life is a journy to look for who you are, or someone might say to complete who you are. what do you mean by that??? yes i agree, life is a journey. it started when you were born and it ends when you die. No one can tell you what is right or what is wrong. there's no answer to that. am i being difficult>??? or being stupid??? could be both.

when you feel it's right, you have to go for it. maybe it's wrong. but you have to try it. you have to follow how you feel. you have to respect who you're or what you are. you can't ignore your inside voice that's crying and asking for help. keep ignoring and you'll die. if you have any choice to make, go for it. follow your instinct. if it's wrong, you learn from it. that's it. if you can learn something from it, that's all it matters. you don't have to worry about the mistake that you made. it will teach you very important lessons in your life.

i am not in the greatest place in my life now. but i appriciate for what I have and what's been given to me. parents who support me and allow me to pursuit my career. luis who supports me an believe in my more than anyone. and people who care about me. all the privileges that's been given. i have a roof over my head. food that i could eat. car that could take me wherever it is. job that pays me. dream that i can follow. health that let me do what i want to do. i appriciate everything I have. i appriciate the love i've given. yes 50% of life is pain. yet, as long as I'm alive and have all these privileges that I have. i won't stop living my life.

thank you. and i wish you all the best

fuck all of you 

March 18 [Sun], 2007, 3:23
you think you're great??? i don't think so.

it's sad that I'm such a hater, not that i wanted to be this way.... how can I change things?? it sucks. sure, life is not fair. Nothing is Fair. Bad things happen to good people and there are plenty of people doing bad things and not getting caught. lucky them. There are lots of people who are working so hard to reach where they want to go, to make their talents fly. like the song says

"it's so hard that what gives you so much joy could make you cry.
but hold on tight to who you are.
don't lose the joy to please the crowd.
and if they still don't understand, sing a little louder."

I don't like so many things. but i love so many things as well.

I didn't want to be this way. so why not change???
you don't have to be intimidated by others??
what's so great about them anyway.
So, they have more money to spent, they have more freedom.
perhaps they worked hard for it.
maybe I just don't know.
Maybe I just don't know anything.
All i know is what I do, what I'm doing.

I love this, my arts. I work for it.
people gave me lots of opportunities.
they taught me a lot of lessons.
they inspires me.
they also put me down, or I let them put me down.

it's all about choices. you make your choices in your life.
how do you see this? how do you see that???
you have to see things from positive and observative point of veiw.
don't be so passive and negative. cuz things will come along that way.
I need to re-built myself. now everything is smash to smithereens.
pick them up. put them all together. tighter than ever. stronger than ever.
so that it won't break.

I'm weak but I know who i am. I want to smile with a joy when new challenge face to me.

aloner part2 

December 10 [Sun], 2006, 8:52
I haven't grown, or improved or anything.... it's sad really. how could it be.
I am alone.

sometimes I wonder where i've been
who I am
do I fit in
make believe in is hard along
out here on my own.

I don't know. it's different than that. I am not sure.
how can I make things better without taking risk.
people say no risk no gain....
that's true you know
but the question is... how can you prove it?

there's no proof.
how many people have made success by taking risk?
some people might now even take the risk. how stupid is that?
here I am trying to take a huge risk in my life.
that's worth it, well at least I hope so...
I am here all alone.

not being scared of the reality or the success
cuz I know it's gonna work
I know that
every moment of my life,.. yes. I am the only person who's gonna be there for all the time.

no one else.
no one to rely on
no one to blame on
just me, I am the one to be blame, I am the one to proove.

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