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December 11 [Fri], 2015, 22:17
I asked God for this, I asked the names written across my dog tags on my neck to help me get you back.. To help me explain to everyone, explain even to myself; My feelings, truth, regrets. As any of you read this, I want you to understand that I am not writing it as “Teru from Four Minutes Before Midnight” I’m writing as a simple fucking kid, who’s made some damn wrong decisions in his life time… I’m writing from the covers on my bed while listening to ††† - Bermuda Locket, I’m writing this having not showered in days, while sleeping until 6pm into the afternoons, I’m writing this un-motivated and hurt, I’m writing this regretful and mournful for myself; I’m selfish in writing this, But i’ve spent so many years in my life worrying and caring about other people that sometimes I forget to ever think about myself. So as you read the next few letters, please understand that you do not know me; What you see on the road isn’t always the “real”.. Sometimes I crank the lever on the motor inside, trying my best to usb my chin to the sky even IF on the inside every inch of my body feels like i’m doing something wrong.. Sometimes we as “performers” get so caught up in the public eye and what they think of us… you know fuck that, this isn’t about other people or trying to take the attention off of myself to make it seem better, this is about me, & a decision i’ve made that has effected my life..

I’ve spent so many years as a performer, as a “public figure” that I started to replace my “real” life with a made up, false reality. One where I was afraid to tell you all about my personal life, Scared of what you all might of thought of me.. Scared that we would have judgement passed on us If the world knew about things we did/said/went through.. I guess I was so focused on my future and my career that I didn’t even stop to think about the people I had back home waiting for me to return… The people who went weeks without hearing from me, while I was out having drinks.. People who went through anything for me, who did anything for me, who wouldn’t of ever had a second thought about giving they’re lives for me.. and when I say “people” I’m really referring to one “person”…

Sylwia Legin is my ex-girlfriend. She is someone who loved me, & still to this day does.. She is someone who was there for me when I was starting Four Minutes Before Midnight, before we were even anybody.. Someone who didn’t care If I had no money to eat beause I didn’t have time to get a “real job” due to me starting this band… She was someone who put up with my bullshit, my ups & downs.. someone who gave a fuck and took in every stupid excuse I gave her.. I used to think It was all about “living life” and being free and living by my own rules.. & don’t get me wrong, life is what YOU make of it.. But whats having the world, if you have no one to share it with..

All those nights without calling home, without letting her know anything.. All those nights I tossed her to the side, read her texts and never replied.. I was the fucking asshole.. Not her; & Now I’ve spent my whole past years hiding my own life from everyone.. Why? because I was so damn caught up in what everyone would think of “Four Minutes Before Teru” instead of fucking thinking about me. I would sit around fucking lifeless.. always throwing on some kind of show in the public..

But let me tell you something about me, I love this girl; I love her with all that I am, and with all that I have accomplished.. If it wasn’t for Sylwia I WOULDN’T be where I am today in the music industry.. .. There were so many nights in starting this, where I was broke, and hungry.. wanting to walk away from it, wanting to run.. nights where I sat on my steps in front of my house and wanted It all to just go.. and on those nights, she’d sit there, light up a cigarette and always tell me things were going to be okay.. tell me that this is what i’ve always wanted, what i’ve worked so hard for.. she’d always put herself aside, and all of her feelings to make sure I never gave up.. she would never fight with me, never worry about us, she always just pushed me.. and made sure I took care of myself before anything.. she is one of the three steeping stones aside from my brother and sister that made me “able” in making this band happen..

But because of my stupid choices, and selfishness, because of me being a fucking kid and not realizing any of this I lost one of those people; Fuck I’ve ran very close to losing them all at some point.. But as of right now I sit here and type this alone from my bed, a place that would never go un-filled by Sylwia every single night I was home from tour.. A place that I never wanted to filled by anyone else but her, but I could never take the god damn time to make her see that.. So as my enemies might laugh, or my friends make sit back and think to themselves about what i’ve written..

I love Sylwia Legin & I would give anything in this world If I could have her back.. I wouldn’t fuck up, and I wouldn’t change my mind.. I wouldn’t go a day without talking to her, fuck I wouldn’t go an hour.. I wouldn’t hide it from the world.. Fuck I’d put pictures everywhere, I’ d Fucking making videos.. I’d sing on them, even though I can’t.. I’d send letters, I’d write novels.. If I could have her back, I know I ‘d change the world, but damn it Id start with me.. I’d buy her fowlers, fuck I’d do anything.. Yeah i’m sure I’d make a mistake in our life time.. But damn It i’d do my best not too.. I believe in something.. And that something Is you; Sylwia. This is someone that I want to marry, This is someone that I want the world to understand that I’ve found a better heart then my own.. I’ve found a heart as pure as my mother’s.. I’ve found someone that I want to keep safe, but not keep secret.. I’ve found someone that I am 100% willing to embarrass myself for.. someone who i’ll make a fool of myself for.. because I know that no matter what, as the end of the day..

She will, and still does; Love me, for “Me” - Tanaka Teruki.


So I ask you all, or the few that read this.. I beg of you, as my friends, as my family, as my hope.
If you can please, help me; Help her see this, Help her understand that I’m not afraid to love her.
I’ll always be there, like I always have been.. but this time, I need you to be there for me..
Send her the link, Send her a message, for fuck sakes..
Anything & everything will help me..
Thank you so much.


Tanaka Teruki.

Sylwia Legin.

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