叫び 

September 05 [Sun], 2010, 17:55
吼えたい
マジで吼えたい

somehow i'm crying again
as if i didn't cry enough today
and feel bad enough about myself

i know ur mom and sister just left
and i was cruel in the morning when u called
and i didn't tell u i was going to work
and just told u i had to go
and hung up on u

u probably thought i was so cruel
to not offer to go out and meet u right away

and then i have band and dinner and meeting
got home at 11
feeling like shit
cuz someone wants to quit the band
and i was still shocked
and shooken
that he would say he can always just find the drummer to jam instead

what about me? i thought

i had to come home with that kinda feeling
to sort things out
and then i found a new project to do
and felt excited about it


then it was time to sleep
and then she throw a fuss at me
and then to get out of the mess
i ended up telling her all the stuff i wanted to surprise her with

there goes my surprise.....

sigh
so kakkowarui

and way to not be understanding.....
that im' a busy man.....
i feel sad for myself
that when i'm single always say
especially since the last ex
i say

i'll only go out with someone who understands my need for band and friends
that they always come first
and i thoguht i found that someone
but that someone is being more and more spoiled by me
i suppose
and always ask for so much more
that i just can't handle

during vday earlier this year
i was so stressed out by band
and school
and she just had to throw a fuss that time
that i didn't spend enough time
so i asked that we go on break
and she made a fuss about that too

and so in the end i made more trouble for myself
by trying to avoid trouble

srsly
when will i learn that either you just go thru it the normal way
or when u say u're gonna quit
u should just quit?

i never know how to end arguments
except getting emotional

fuck

sometimes i think
i srsly need more testosterone
to keep my emotions damped down

clamped down?

sigh....

arQ@#$$

i'm so tired
at 2:30
and i still have to keep her company and happy
sigh.....
sometimes i really think
to stop all these stupid source of argument
i should just live together with her
and when u actually get me all the time
everyday
u'll get so sick of me
u don't wanna see me anymore

but when will u learn that
i can't sleep when i'm at ur house???????
we always do this and that
and the next day i feel even more dead

ugh.....

please let me sleep
i have work in 8hrs......
i can only sleep about 6.5hrs.

yeah.

勘弁してほしい

sigh

and i'm not done 

June 09 [Tue], 2009, 15:10
I also might as well take this time to write out all the stuff u've been pissing me off.

all ur UNCOOLNESS.

stop dissing VK
you don't know the simpliest thing about what VK is
you can't even be called a X JAPAN fan
go fuck urself
everyone who's a true X fan will understand what they did for the VK band scene
and the true meaning of VK that they started this whole era of...
what the fuck do you know about VK
u know SHIT
JACK SHIT
it's not a bunch of guys who slap on makeup and crazy hair cuz they're GAY and NO ONE CARES
it's about stage presence
and stage performance
and giving really good visuals
don't tell me looks don't care
u seriously think
a company will rather sign the band who sounds gd but look bad
over the band that sounds good AND look good?

really?
u think so?
if u do
go eat some shit
and say that again

then there's that fucking attitude of urs
always giving orders
like u know everything
wtf do u know?
u know SHIT
once again
why is it not surprising
u aren't ready either
dont' blame others
don't say it's cuz WE suck
like u aren't involved
and then u say oh it's cuz WE suck that's why YOU sucked
sure
really
u think so
go eat shit AGAIN plz
maji

fucking otaku
u can spend shitload of money on ur fucking otaku shit
but won't spend a single penny to get that fucking kb u were gonna fix
and u need fucking EVERYTHING to record ur fucking song's melody?
u serious????
u joking right

wtf man
where's that piano demo i asked for
i could've said to u the same thing
i got 10000000 songs done
but oh~
i got no kb~
i got no money
so i can't show u

i thought u're piano gr 10
go show ur shit

and btw
u're so bad looking
i don't know why i accepted u into the band
i'd actually rather take jake
seriously

i don't know why i even bothered to be excited for u to come back
wasted our time


and then there's the other guy
guitar
u're my gd frd
but u're seriously lazy
and all talk
don't bs us
don't bs me
are u really gonna compose?i'll have to see
but ur attitude towards playing
don't satisfy me
ur speed don't satisfy me
everything else is fine
go upgrade ur equipments from now is ok

then there's the guy with the skills looks and speed
but fucking attitude of urs
what's up with that
coming all lazy
well yes u're losing interst
i am too
but at least i tried
i tried to get u guys to too
but fuck man
what's up with u
stop sitting down and play
うっとうしい
みっともない

yes yes then there's myself
i actually did practice
maybe i didn't memorize everything yet
that's probably my own fault
but yes my excuse is also that i've lost interest playing

so fuck this yeah?
just disband

i've had it with u guys
not that u guys really SUCK
per say
just
we don't click

so go find urselves another band
and i will too

good luck in the future.




ah....that felt great. thanks yaplog.

worst drummer in history 

June 09 [Tue], 2009, 15:04
fuck, i've had it with ur fucking bullshit.
i haven't felt so fucking irritated for a very fucking long time.

man, bullshit
BULLSHIT
u're full of shit....

stop telling me what to do
stop acting like u're the only one who did shit
stop acting like u suck only because WE didn't practice
stop acting like u're the most important person in the band
and we can't do shit without you
stop saying things like "i'm cool as long as " this and that
cuz u're not

u're not fucking cool

u'er the most fucked up guy i've ever worked with.
u know what

fuck you
FUCK YOU

fuck u and ur fucking pride
thinking u're so great
thinking everyone's lazy
u're lazy too
if u're so good
go form ur own band
manage ur own shit

fuck u and u not replying ur calls and shit
and TELLING ME that i should have a mtg with them myself
wtf??
WHAT THE FUCKING HELL ARE U BULLSHITTING OUT??

u wanted the meeting
fucking irritated me
and have me organized the meeting
i did it
and u complain about them not havnig the mtg right at the spot

FINE
FINE
FINE
I'M FINE WITH THAT
FINE

then today u dont' even fucking go on
nor give us a call
WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?????
at least answer ur fucking call

u have the guts
to go online
to tell me all this shit
complaining about everyone
as if you aren't in the band
tell THEM to sort it out
if it's really just them
sure

but u know what, it's not

and i don't fucking want to play with u
even if i find a new bassist or whatever

man,
fuck u

go fuck urself

i wish ur wife and kid will leave u
cuz u're a selfish asshole that don't know anything about responsibilities
stop blaming others

めちゃくちゃイライラ・・・・・ 

January 10 [Sat], 2009, 14:38
sometimes I get seriously pissed off talking to him
but especially today.

we were talking about composing...
and just like what his ex bandmate said about him in RF...
he has all these stupid fucking lectures he says about what composing should be
ah~full of feelings~should tell a story
and oh i don't hear any of the songs here do that

dude
then write ur own fucking song if u're so good

seriously,
if you are so full of talent and dissing the others
and u got so much time to read manga
write some songs

that's PRECISELY why ppl left u...
cuz u make urself sound like a leader
but u don't do jack....
i ask u to do things not because u're the only one who can do it...
but i ask u to do things because u're part of the band.

honestly
if u just leave me and allen do the composing
u sit there and complain about US
u got no right to complain....
if u don't do shit and just say this sucks that sucks
u can't do this u can't do that

telling me 'oh u can't redo ur compositions~u might use them later'
but then when i told u to write some cool riffs down
u tell me we can't use them

dude
we can SO use them
==

the only thing is
he can't write
i just know it

but i can't write either
i don't even know guitar and drums
yet i'm trying my best to make the band run
why can't u do SOMETHING

ANYTHING

fuck
for fuck's sake

i'm so fucking pissed off right now i think it's the perfect time for me to write the most hateful song

u want story?
u got story

despair 

December 20 [Sat], 2008, 21:02
Tears really do dry
I haven't been this upset for a very very long time

I went from hopeful to hopeless within 5mins

I checked my e-mail and knew about 320's marks being on vista....so i went all doki doki to calculate my marks....

a few tears of joy came as i saw that it was over 65...altho it was very girigiri at 65.63...and .63 was the class bonus

I thought....only shit....
320's so hard and i made it....
i made it....

then, chotto ikioi ni noru to omottara
i went to check to see if 310 came out

no it wasn't a F....

I passed

but

i only got C-

and I know that isn't 65....

at first i went so blank....
i don't know how to react....
i just went onto my bed
which i made in advance, just in case....
and it was useful that i did....

i just collapsed..
and broke down......

my body shook so violently.....
i feel so much regret
how much i hate that word

i tried so hard for the final....
i really did...
i studied like i never did before for 310....
i also actually tried hard on the proj

why 57....
it's not even anywhere close that i can argue

i only had 3 subjects....
1 was jap....
there are only 2 cpen core courses....

only 2

and they were repeats..

how can i do so bad.....
i figure
i must just be dumb.......

i'm more than an idiot.....

i'm so useless......
i'm trash....

don't worry, i didn't think of dying...
just....

what am i gonig to say to my parents...?
i don't think i should hide it from them
nor do i have the courage to tell them
somehow...
douka....
let me find a way to fix it before i tell them....
i really don't want them to worry about me anymore

i don't want to hurt them again and again
having to worry for me
and be sad for me
i want them to just smile
at my convo
my brother too...
who cheered me on before he left for his trip....

i'm so sorry........
no matter what i do
i cannot bring that smile to their face
that i can see if i can just grad....

i'm sorry....
i cannot answer to any of their expectations.....

i'm sorry.....
i tried hard but only for the final......

i'm sorry.....
i'm just a useless bitch who is lazy and likes to blame other ppl.....

i'm sorry.....
i'm sorry...........

if just someone
can give me that chance...
i know i said that last time, when i got put on probation....
that this was my last chance
i knew it.....
there's no more hope for me

none at all
my future is so blank
i can't see anything
as if i'm blind

i think i will disappear for a while....

i'm sorry to my gf too....
i really
really
isn't in the mood to celebrate for our anniversary...
i don't want her to worry
there are things shes better of not knowing...
but i don't want to lie to her....
so i'll just disappear....
for a while....
until i sort out what i want to do
what i can do
from here

cuz right now i really don't know.....
should i go see the counseller?
should i cry and beg them?
what prove do i have i will do better?

i can't even convince MYSELF that i can do better
even if i take only 3 courses
that was my excuse to start with...
that if i only take less courses..
like now....only 2 core and 1 elective...
that i can do well
the condition is that i get 65 on ALL of them
not the avg...

maybe......
this is the end....

i really....don't know......

i cried so much my eyes don't really function well....

somehow i have a feeling the moment i close my eyes,
i can only see a nightmare ahead of me....

i'm so tired....
but so afraid to sleep....

but there is the slight hope that
maybe
if i wake up
this never happened....

so amai right.....
i wish life really is that amai.....

my body hurts...
everywhere hurts
everywhere's so tired.......and painful at the same time......
i can't breathe.....

波乱。 

November 15 [Sat], 2008, 18:12
お久。
元気してるんですか?

毎回毎回、このブログで書くことは、
やっぱり
心に波乱が起きるってこと。

最近、親友になった人と近すぎることになっちゃった。
てか、
彼女よりも、あの人と話したくて遊びたくて
一緒に過ごした時間があまりにも楽しすぎて

まるで
filmのように
昔のplayback

とても不安な感じ。
コイツは男だから
好きになったわけじゃないのに
返事を楽しみしてる毎日になった。

実は前からこんな感じがあった・・・

親友になってから、どんどん近づいてく
それで、最後には
裏切られるだけ。

これを思い出すと
やっぱ傷は治ってない・・・

友達なのに、仲間なのに
一番の親友なのに
きっと裏切られる。

なんでまだ痛いのかな・・・
涙が止まらない・・・

男に好きになれるわけないから!!
の考えを消して
本気に考えてみても
やっぱり恋じゃない。
あいつは彼女とかいても
僕にはかまわん。

もう3回だな、今回を含めて。
前には女一人と男一人。
は・・・
神様、なんの冗談だこれ。

僕、
物欲がそんなに強くてどうする?
友達までも・・・・
僕一人の親友に欲しくてどうする・・・・
好きなわけじゃないのに
彼女より、オレだよ!みたいなときもある・・・・

僕、ずっと友達が優先なのに
なんであいつらはできないんだよ
むかつく。

でも彼女の話をすれば
僕はまだ失敗みたいんだ。
好きじゃない・・・なわけじゃないのに
愛・・していないかな
彼女は、いつもいつも僕の前にいつも強がってる・・・・
「本当は少しだけ泣いて欲しい」なのに
泣いたら
甘えたら
全部許してあげるのに

何を強がってるんだよ

君は認めたくない
僕も認めたくはないけど (蜉蝣の歌詞を貸してごめん)
最初の「熱」は下がった。
しかも
僕の前だけでは
弱くてもいいから
僕がお前を守るから

なんでわからないんだよ・・・・

君のそのサークルから外す同時
僕を傷ついてるんだ
そして傷つく同時

僕はだんだんお前から離れていく。

わかってるかな?

認めたくないけど
多分
もう

君を愛していないかも。

昔のlustは既にない。
会いたい!とか
話したい!とか
君の声聴きたい!とか
言っても

嘘だ。全部。

ごめんね

実は
面倒くさいと思ったんだ。
面倒くさいと思ったら、
もう愛していない意味じゃないかな?

すぐ一年間だし。
残念な結果だ。

本当にごめん。
最悪だぜ、おれ。

お久しぶり。 

September 23 [Tue], 2008, 18:54
こんな自分が一番嫌いなのに


なんで



諦めちゃだめだよ


明日からやり直しなさい。


MPDで面倒だぜ ちくしょー お前

悲しむ 

September 09 [Sun], 2007, 8:45
この部屋で書いた最後の日記。
もう今日カナダに帰るから。
友達と話したらいつもふざけてたけど、
実は悩んでただけじゃなく、
苦しめた。

帰りたくないんだ。
日本と別れたくないんだ。

人間はどのぐらい泣いたら乾いてくだろう?
水飲まないのに、
なんで泣き虫なんだ?

アンドロメタモルフォーゼ

今朝聞いたらずっと大丈夫だったのに。
部屋はだんだんモノがなくなるし
部屋寂しいな・・・と思ったら
声出すぐらい泣いてた。
力は体から抜いて、壁に支えられて泣いてた。

こんなに泣いたのは
久しぶりじゃないけどね
この前は帰るかどうか悩んでた時も同じ。
先日アンドロがシャッフルで流れた時も
涙の限りあるだろうと思ったら
癒されてるか、
一緒に苦しんでるか
もうわからない

誰か・・・
僕を・・・
助けて・・・・・・・・


「バイバイ、バイバイ 全部リセット・・・」

今の気分は、
何枚の歌詞でも書けると気がする。
大切な場所から離れる気持ちは

死に近づいてる人もきっと似てる気持ちだろう
本当はずっといたいのに
本当はどこにも行きたくないのに
いかなくちゃ

空を見上げて
タバコ吸って
音楽聴いて

最後の日。

フルタイムバンドマンとして最後の日。

さようなら、日本。
さようなら、東京。
さようなら、豊島区。
さようなら、板橋。
さようなら、303号。



さらば、AriaKnoT.

ヴォーカルの味 II 

July 14 [Sat], 2007, 0:45
it's actually not good tasting
just that ppl do it

just cuz it's cool
that's why i did it.

came home and looked in the mirror
with the cig in my hands
and realized
ぜんぜん似合わない

ファンは誰も僕はheavy smokerと思ってたのに、
僕にとって、ぜんぜんタバコと似合わない

サンジコスした時は結構似合ったが。笑
吸ってなかった。

いや。。。

母さんにいえない。
誰にもいえない
人前にはすわない。

can't let anyone know.
this pack i have 20.

this is promise to myself
---each day max 1.
and i don't mean catching the time after midnight and shit.
---can't smoke at home.
---can't smoke in front of anyone that knows me
including letting canadian or japanese bandmen
---The day that I smoke I must write (1 smoke = 1 writing day. MUST)
---must shower and brush teeth that day
---all clohes that day must be washed.

hm....the restrictions are as such.
keeping max 1 per day will be good to keep addiction away.
oh i should add one.....

smoke and coke can't be taken on the same day??
but i already did.....damn.

and i'm so tired from going in/out of my house today i'm way too tired to write music tonight.....

tomorrow
for sure.
no smoking.

only music!!!

good night

ヴォーカルの味 I 

July 14 [Sat], 2007, 0:43
今日は自分に一番許さないことを
しました。

タバコ吸った。
1本。

実は今日は運命との出会い。

朝は出かけて、色々買って、家に戻りました。
夜になって、7時前10分、McDに向って家出ました。
急にcoupon使いたいから、megaてりやきセット買いました。
take outと言ったが、なぜかtrayで捧げた。

まーいいと思った僕。
2階に行って、ゆっくり食べた。
歌詞を考えながら、回りの人はだんだん去った。
バーガーをすぐしまう前に、あるおっさんと娘ちゃんが2階に来た。
二人も笑顔で、McFlurryとコーヒーを持ってる。

静に眺めた僕。
お嬢さんは先に、おっさんが角を回ったとき、何かがポケットから落ちた。
噛んでる僕は何も言えず、静かに落ちたものを見た。

煙草ハコでした。

色々な考えが浮べてきた。
おっさんに「先これ落ちた。」か、
自分の物にする。

自分への言い訳かどうか
後にした。
「娘さんがいるから、タバコやめたほうがいい」と思って、
拾ってからMcDを出た。

LARKです。

Isn't it cool to write lyrics with one hand and a lit cigarette on the other? even if I'm not really smoking it.

と思った僕。

タバコ店でライターを勝った。青いカッコイイヤツ。
家にかえって、カメラ、ペンと歌詞ノートを手にして、
周りにある公園を探した。

もう9時ぐらい。
いつもと逆の方向に、2つの電車railroadを渡ってたが、何も無い。
タバコの販売機がたくさんあった。

PIANISSIMO見つけた。
あーこんな感じなんだ!と思って、家の付近に戻りたかったけど、
迷子になった。
でも公園みつけた。
結構近いところにある、若干大きいなplaygroundなんだ。

ブランコがあります。
それだけで充分。

ブランコに座って、LARKのハコから取り出した
タバコ一本。

たぶん4回ライターで燃えた。なんで燃えなかったかは謎です。
2回目は燃えないからちょっと口で吸った。
口からfirst breath of 煙草。

LARKでした。

でもあまり味がない。
でも、本当に臭い。

一本が終わるまで、ただ指の中で燃えて、
僕は歌詞のideaを書き始めた。
で、帰りました。

ちょっと調べたら、
ルキと竜太朗さんとみくもPIANISSIMO。
ヴォーカルに超人気なタバコらしい。
もっと調べたら、いつも味わってみたいタバコ
ストロベリーのDJ MIXがまさか本当にあるんだ。
でもどこにあるかわからない。

人生の第一本はいちごにしたかった。
涼との約束だから
いままでそんな馬鹿なこと言ってるは本当にアホだと思うが
これでおしまい
ただそう思った。

そういえば、あのDJ MIXのT/Dはかなりやばい。
あまりタバコの味は無いと聞いたのに、結構強い。
それでも味わってみたい。

と思って、また出かけた。
あのタバコ屋に探しに行くだったが、
10時半すぎて、もうclosed.

隣にあるタバコ販売機。
手にある¥320のチェンジ。
何も買わずに帰るのは時間の無駄とわけにして、
PIANISSIMO ONE買いました。

ヴォーカルの味はなんだろう
と思いながら、家に帰った。

でもやはり1本だけ味わってみたい。
人生本当の最初の1本のタバコ。
ヴォーカルの味をしてみたかった。

タバコ、ライター、だけ、
ブランコ公園に敢行。

ブランコに座ったと、11時前15分。
ドキドキしながら、1本のタバコの右手に。
待ってた。
悩んでた。

本当に吸うのか
母さんに誓った。
自分に誓った。

一生もタバコ、一口もしない
絶対に

理由がありすぎ。
絶対しない。

でも、もうタバコの匂いに染まれた服と髪の毛。
バンドの匂いがした。
eqlipsEの時を思い出した。
これはバンドの匂いだ
タバコ。

あの5分は人生一番長いの5分だったと感じた。

で、まだ10分があるから、
前にある...not jungle gym....but some climbing hill thing....
やってみた。

スライドから下りたかったが・・・
i felt cobweb on my arms...............
and then see this tangling spider.........

FUCK!!!!

so i quickly escaped on the side.....looking like an idiot.
less than 1 min to 11:00pm

ブランコにダッシュして、
11:00pmになって、
迷わなく、タバコを燃えた。
迷わなく、口で吸った。

あー。
こんな感じなんだ。
別に特別じゃなかった。
highの感じももちろんなかった。
すこしだけのmintな感じ。
mentholの味だろ?

2回は鼻から吸っちゃって、(by accident)
すごくまずかった。
i coughed like there's no tomorrow.

never breathe by the nose when sucking by mouth.......

うん。
ある家族?は公園で花火してた。
even if it's forbidden in the park
when they first looked at the signs and looked my way,
i thought they were looking to see if i'm allowed to smoke atthe swings
but it was to check if they can have 花火。
でも結局やりやがったじゃない
おっさん、おばさんよ

the guy from before came back and smoked by the climbing hill

I finished the smoke till the very end and spat ....
cuz the aftertaste is really gross.....
well,
若干気持ち悪い

didn't bring candy or nth.....so it's quite bad
で、帰りました。

すっきり・・・
やっとやった〜!みたいな
nothing special too......
and it's actually pretty gross.......
i smelled entirely like cigs
and i hated it...

came home wanting to throw up.....
bad headache......
took a shower, microwaved my leftover chicken nuggets
and write this stupidly long entry
which i probably have to cut in 2.

とにかく。
ヴォーカルの味はこんなんだ。
PIANISSIMO.
OneかLightか知らないが
こんな味でした。

ウマイといえない。
酒と同じ。
2010年09月
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