B.D. came again, and...

April 13 [Sat], 2013, 0:00
Though not so many things have changed in my recent life,
suddenly upcoming into my head,
viewpoints have changed in many times in short term,
I think it's so difficult to tell them in words.
Symptoms of overeating has changed again as well as that "itcy",
but I don't feel like focus them, and like to say;
but, before those things, I think I have to see other than them.

**Very sorry to have left you for weeks though I thought to write to you, Aki-san?

**I totally agree to you that C&A has wonderful pieces
also in Album and C/W. I got to feel like listen to them again!
**I always think especially to young people, recently got advanced,
or went to higher education.
I really hope they have chances to listen to or watch or see wonderful pieces;
books, various music, pictures, paints, drawings, movies and mangas.
In life, the period that one can learn what does not be useful in a very short time
won't last so long...

**Welcome back to you! I thought I'd had an illusion of you.
Yes, we can get happy without limit if we can change the way of receipt this real life,
no matter how we have much, many symptoms-
I really hope all of with this disease to make sure such possibility in their each heart!

While all of this going on, I'm getting old and now 35.
As I get older, year by year I feel how dare I keep on living in such way.
Since when I was a teenager, I have believed really various things -
then couldn't cling to and gave up, suffered much each time,
repeated the same thing so many time.
Now I think I've been haste to live all the time.
Some says this world, life is a class of learning of soul,
I shouldn't have crammed such many things to learn for this short term.
I should say to myself, remaining half of my life,
I can go slow, don't have to be haste in that way.

Recovergraphy of bulimia 2012.08.26.ver.

August 26 [Sun], 2012, 16:55
Before connecting to Center:
Overeating and vomiting; all day long, 10,000 yen a day, for 16 years.
After consultation: Overeating and vomiting; Completely stopped in 220 days;
Symptomatic relief: in 2,404 days;
Amount of overeating and time is 10% of the symptomatic peak in spring of 2000 (22 y.o.).
Cost: after consultation, saved 19,000,000 yen; 300,000 yen a month, 36,500,000 yen per decade.

I have had no symptoms of overeating on 3 or 4 days in a week, but the state of mind hasn't been very good.
It must be easier if I can do overeat, but think it's bothersome and painful, at the end went to bed.
I can't find any reason, something like a sorrow and loneliness come to feel,
I can't say to insecurity, but rather strong sense of fatigue is most of the time,
I can't do things that I can complete soon if I start to try.

Do not think of.
Do not scratch itchy places.
Do not play with the tip of your hair and nails.
Just do sense everything you're touch now.
Just take everything up, with all sensory organs sharpen up.

Without overeating, I can do that now.
Now the impulse of overeating has got weaken and decreased enough.
Already the state of body and mind have got to be, NOT equal to the abnormality of the symptom.
When I was feeling strong impulse for overeating, I could not do such things,
because the things were too strong and heavy to feel out, the level was over bodily limit.

Just for "feeling"... What we should do to learn that?
However this bulimic sufferers live to, wishing recovery, wishing more "normal" life,
this's the most important thing to learn, I think.

Even that, as different as fingerprints, hundreds patients, hundreds types,
thousands patients, thousands types, each patient should find the way of that.
When a patient discovered and expressed as much as she can, that must be a clue of some people
to find the way.
So I think to express is very important for both of self and the all.

From the morning, opened all windows fully open and let the winds go thorough,
but it's 33 degree C's hot blast! My T is totally sweaty,
and on my cushion covered with towel, oo in shape of hip printed.

When I get some more time, I might play the piano again.

August 17 [Fri], 2012, 21:34
For such a swelter weather? I don't remember well when I wrote this,
here's a journey on around last weekends...
Not only weekdays, also weekend, the symptoms begin to cease for these 3 months.
I think this may be from this swelter weather, but any impulse would not occur.

So, or however? State of mind, depression-like symptom (but not irritated so much) is rather heavier than before.
Reading books, newspapers, booking, with all the window fully opened,
think this's happier time, 'cause I've got to enable to do in such ways, as normal people spend times on holidays.
With taking many breaks, lubed dusty windows till that lovely glossy,
cleaned filters of air-conditioner too,
and as a measure against mite in the end of summer,
packed bedcloth suite into a big and thick plastic bag and vacced them all.
And cleaned all the door of my room with a cloth
(this would to be better habit - and with a white one -once a day in Fengshui)
I think I worked well today all the way with dripping sweat.

There was a change on my state of mind recently,
I noticed that suddenly when I saw the doctor last Saturday,
just on the time talking that.
About expressing with words this and that on heart.
I've thought that just to accept every feeling is rather more important than to express with using words,
but for noticing, it may occur just when we're writing or talking about.

Recently I've thought about playing piano again, getting any keyboard.
I spotted some score notes, that I collected several years ago,
perhaps at that time I was thinking the same thing.

Those are titled like:-"simplified scores for classics' melodies we used to hear sometime,somewhere".
Till 19th century, way before music records and radios appear, only scores were said to be "music software".
So the music industry was equal to the score-printing industry.

Dvorak, Humoresk.
Beethoven, For Elise.
Claude Achikke Debussy, Clair de lune.
We can find and DW the scores for free and listen to actual plays on websites now.

So what on earth we have to do to "feel"out the cause of bulimia?

August 16 [Thu], 2012, 1:40
Definition of the word "Magma" on this article:
The energy causing the overeating.
Unbearable loneliness, anger, irritation, hatred, jealousy, fear, discomfort, frustration, pain,...
When we catch a cold, we do not stand sneeze and cough,
but keep in warm, take medicine and much rest -
that wouldn't think to be having relations with the symptoms,
but if we do that, by degree, the symptoms get to decrease without standing.

Same as that, at first sight, "to feel""accept" is not thought to be
having much relation with the symptoms
(overeating, vomiting, distorted body images) themselves,
but accepting that, the symptoms would decrease without standing.
I had a chance to see such several cases in the Center (including me).
It's way more important thing to "feel""accept"the emotions that causes bulimic symptoms
than "control"the symptom (of overeating, vomiting) itself.
I've said on various places,
Yet, so, for that, what should we do to "feel" that?

Frankly, I don't know and think the doctors wouldn't know either.
Already we've got unable to feel the emotions-
the stress we can feel now is not the real cause of disease,
Magma, the cause of bulimia, is way more deeper place of the mind-
completely paralyzed, insensible, diverted ones.
That doesn't mean that's already disappeared, forgot. It exactly is, in our bottom of heart,
but by some reasons, our body, head, heart, all the mobilized member of us,
tried to paralyze them because they make our everyday life too difficult one.

Completely subconsioused negative emotions.
To sense that, it's natural of us that various thoughts came to, and we get to be so confused.
Or, it's natural of us to begin to annoy with strong impulse for overeating,
Or, it's natural of us to have causeless itchiness, pain...
I don't know what we should do for catching that.
Maybe nobody in the world does not knows.
But when we hope to feel, no matter how that's scare,
want to feel that and get normal life without overeating,
think those unusual symptoms are way more dreadful thing than to feel the caused emotions,
without fail, such men can get to feel that exactly, and
by degree, the actual symptoms (time, cost, amount) are getting decrease.
So no matter how I recommend that, I think that's very cruel thing for patients temporarily.

Six years ago, I didn't understand what's the anger is, how did I become when I get irritated, what the state of "stressed",
...people often say they get stressed, but I don't make out what's like that?... seriously I used to say.
Then such a man had a symptom of overeating and vomiting for all-day-long.
What's "loneliness" is, I barely got understand just 3 years ago.
So what I'd like to say here, is my state of paralysis was quite unusual.
(Writing like this, I really wonder how I did survive in such state.)

I somehow got chance to know bulimic patients as me, getting recovery in above way,
yet I am just a patient under recovering.
So writing like this, still I'm wondering whether I should write or not,
Further more it's got too long. I'm really wondering who, got to the end of this article!
Tell me if you'd come to read by the end, and have me your impression, if you like?

Recovergraphy of bulimia 2012.08.05.ver.

August 05 [Sun], 2012, 1:42
The amount of overeating has decreased yet more.
Days of stop (overeating and vomitting both zero) is 2 or 3 on five days of working days. This lasts for about 2 months.
And even the symptoms come, the amount of overeating is just a half of the same period of last year.

*Just one year ago (August 2011)...;
2 packs of instant ramen with 3-4 eggs
Spagetti 250g (weight before boil; rehydratable) and a pack of pasta sause 300g, margarine 50g.
Quatre-Quarts, made with 200g of each of four ingredients: flour, butter, eggs, and sugar.
Donut, made with 500g of flour. (Frying oil is about 250g; yield amount is about 1.3-1.5kgs.
I would cook and use for symptoms everyday, it would takes about 2 hours.

*Summer in 2008 (around Beijing Olympics) the amount of overeating was twice of this; one more time same as this before dawn.
I'm surprised at with remembering and writing like this. How could I work normally?

6 pcs of Konnyaku jelly (I like peach flavor)
1.5-2 loaf of bread, toasted and with spreading margarine 200g-250g
1 liter of icecream; 4-5 cups of 100-yen ice.
3-6 bags of 100-yen snacks, weigh about 500-600g.

I can't eat more than this.
Basically for me still the habits of Center's BBS remain, I wouldn't have written my acutal content of symptoms.
But I tried to write this time with feeling something is wrong.

Even though the amont of overeating has obviously decreased, and the state of body got easier, got more free time a day, but I'm feeling negative feelings increased.
To tell the truth, I wish I could overeat much more.
I wanna be freaked out more, doing overeat, vomit.

I frequently got irritated that I couldn't accept negative ones - sorrow, woe,
to myself, "What's this way of acceptance?" I can't help complaining like this.
Especially such feelings come stronger when I finished working of the day and on the commuting train.
Beautiful waxy moon. Splendid illumination of local Bon-festivals only this season, people looking so happy.
I like the scent of air-conditioner that remains me my daddy,
would be very sensitive to heat for hyperthamia (his average temprature is rather high like children).
Whatever I see, hear, feel, somehow I got sorrow, depressed, feeling causeless irritation, misery,
also cannot amend them with thoughts, stucking in those negative ones.

Wanna go home and go to bed and sleep deeply.
Frankly, I cannot stand up such lonely and suffer night.
Without any reason, I cannot do anything to ease at all.
Truly, this must be wonderful to feel such things.-
How many people in this world, with various symptoms;
Causeless pain, itch, sense of disconfort.
Causeless constipation.
Impulse for overeating.
Strange, compulsive, incorrigible habits.
Full of copies of the others' head, such head patients often have.
Confused with such symptoms, patients don't have to feel, even notice, those are very real cause of the diseases, I'm touching just now.
Why not be more thankful?
Truly this must be happy thing for hoping recovery.

At such a time, let's find pocapoes out.
Making effort of focusing points where got better.
I don't have anyone who encourages me, only myself, I can encourage telling like this.
When you have hard time, remember how we should be in attitude.
Both in a positive and negative way, nothing won't change.
Hope we would have a power that can accept and love all of ourselves walking among such world.

We weren't taught such ways. We haven't been grown up to know how to do such things.
But I believe we can discover, formulate, create, build up from nothing, where such things wouldn't be exist.
All patients must have such power, each ones must be living witnesses of that.

And I think, that is alike as a power that created this universe.

Ein Sommerfeiertag

July 16 [Mon], 2012, 13:45
Since latter half of this June, I have had a few bulimic-symptom-zero-day a week.
This may, from this hot and humid weather.
Without urge to overeating and symptoms begins to stop,
somehow I feel harder than the days with overeating constantly.
Body should be easier than the days with overeating, but loneliness and sorrow is felt way harder,
I can feel like do overeating then got freaked, but actually I can't, that's very uphill and ridiculous work.
Such nights are constantly 2 or 3 a week recently.

How much time I can have without overeating!
How many many things I can do at night and similar way of life as healthy people!
That's so happy. I must say, but I can't remove negative feelings, that can't be expressed with words well.

I don't have to burn them off.
Be careful, be still, and take everything come to feel.
I haven't done that, I have had so many many horrid symptoms, magmatic effects that nobody know the cause.

Magmatic effects, that make us always work without break, without feeling of fatigue.
Perfectibilist, think the word"that's perfect" is only praise.
Disease that can't listen to what the others say.
Disease that always be aggressive against everybody.
To listen to the others quietly is just to be defeated, such a way of acceptance.
To think everybody is living in those ways saying above.
Disease, to tell that never had my own opinion.
If someone comes to ask that what I like or what I like to do, to ask in return with a little anger,
"So what you'd like me to do? What you'd expect to say now?
Swearing that I never need heart, any sense,
I wish to have such heart, that never feel any distress, sorrow, pain, for that, I don't need to feel any happiness, love, joy, delight.

To feel no matter how it's good or bad-should be happy thing.
In a period, just to accept the feeling is way more important than to express with words.

Cleaned my room with dripping sweat, and took bath with cleaning all the bathroom.
It's killingly hot, in the 30s[thirties], all the windows fully opened, did booking and ordered newspaper's scraps.
Somewhere I was feeling distress, sorrow, harder things heavily,
but also I can say I was very happy to live in such ways in a holiday, same as normal people.

Eine Notiz.

June 26 [Tue], 2012, 22:26
So moving to see everyone expressing their subtle and profound feelings, thoughts carefully,
even some of those are so distressful or suffering,
and some are heartwarming and joyful...
I image lots of thoughts are under their words expressed there, their love for all over the world.

For all,
don't be afraid,
everytime keep it going,
dedicating all of you for to love,
to gratitude everything.

For the past few days, the girl was so frightened and sorrow-stricken,
but in this evening, found her got recovered a little somehow.
I thought I can keep it going further again,
under the really beautiful flamingo like colored sunset, and the lovely hazy moon.

At a stormy night.

June 19 [Tue], 2012, 23:17
This is the 3rd night this time since overeating started stopping again.
Without overeating, but, somehow I am feeling miserable, sad, unhappy... I cannot stand that in such words.
Again such that I haven't experienced one is passing on my heart.

Also I'm feeling somewhat heavy, developing a sensitivity against many things like scent, light, sounds, voices....
Making my head silent, stop thinking, no words, always some musics come to ring.
I think such musics is a kind of TMS - Tension Myositis Syndrome.
I thought everybody had such musics that would come to ring without player, so I couldn't understand why people listen to music with player outside.
But since I knew in the Center that healthy, not impaired people don't have such musics, I have thought that such musics is also a kind of the symptoms that the patient cannot bring under control of the will.

I never think I can give up nor get beaten up.
I was too loved to be such a loser.
In this heart the love goes grown up and my ability of forgiving getting evolved more, the symptoms less further.
For that, how further I would get mad, sad, sorrow?
But I never be scared of taking any negative sense because I was born to just for trying to save them.
If I'd be falling into a funk, this body and heart could be nonsense.

I can feel easier when I am writing something, or working at jobs, I don't feel like reading books and newspapers.
Why on earth I was born to?
Long time I haven't had such a sense, but strongly I felt like that.
Such sad, unhappy, mentally ill parents I would choose, and I would do to make them happy, make them smile, make them connected anyway.
Surely once I was inhibited, but I dared to throw that off and "challenge" anyhow.

When we live so long that two or three thousands years, and this Japanese language written and spoken also Japanese people itself goes lost resulting racially mixed, somehow I think some people can understand this. No matter how we live differently (I don't know why, but I think) they are still under battle totally similar with ours.

I was so happy with walking so my white setup totally soaked, because I remembered her and her words that she'd love to go in a storm.

Why the symptom(overeating) stops?

June 04 [Mon], 2012, 22:31
When I was participating the free consultation of the Center, I would often say at the time of the counsel ending;
*the free counsel in a total period of seven days in maximum at that time.
in case you leave this counsel, the symptom of overeating will keep stopping during a few days to about a few months.
But we haven't talked about your backgrounds, your present stress, environments, detailedly,
we haven't touch your cause of bulimia at all, symptom of overeating is now stopping (or decreasing) with your cause itself haven't been changed.
So sometime - we can't tell when it is - but - the symptom would be back without fail.
We would call this stopping of symptom as "surprising stoppage", caused by rapid and drastic change of physical or psychological environment,
such stopping of symptom may occur in rest of long life, for instance, getting employment, moving, marriage, conception, childbirth, and so on, often seen similar cases.
But, if you never touch the part of cause, your symptoms will appear again. If the overeating not be back, it might come as different addiction for next time.
Please imagine, if you can't do overeat whole long life after this, don't you think you'll be somewhat lonely or bored or falling into a hard time, do you?
For decreasing magma (cause of bulimia itself) fundamentally, you have to move your heart drastically and know your cause of bulimia.
You can do that participating Group session that Center serve in Tokyo.

Without any hesitation. I would say like that so coolly, remembering now, I'm almost shaking with that shamelessness, sinfulness, grimness.
'Cause saying that to stop the overeating, you must really realize the cruelty of bulimia, and if you really do enough, you must pay thousands or millions yen to Center. If you don't, you must live with this inconvenient, cruel disease for good. Implicitly threatened the patients like this...

Almost the patients can not come and spend so long period, because they recommend to participate to the session in the highest frequency.
To move heart drastically, the patients need to participate higher frequency as much as possible.
If a patient participate interspatially, for example, one day a month, she can not move her heart very largely, so outcome of recovery will not be so good.
In case you have money to participate session for 20 days, you better to participate 10 weeks closely. (If the session would be held only weekends, Saturdays and Sundays every week)
You can participate one day a month, for 20 months, the effect of session wouldn't so better than the former.
Let's move your heart in the most effective manner, participating sessions closely as much as possible.
After that? After spending all the money for the session?
Some patients would be chosen "Volunteer staff" for the Center, completely without salary.
Volunteer staff can participate free of charge, but have to work for the Center activity.
In the case, the speed of recovery is said to be around 10% of the paid patients.

He loves the girl whose family is the rich very much.
There was a patient, he declared that he guaranteed her graduation (complete cure), that was extremely rare, for me that followed for him for less than 5 years.
Her husband is a dentist, and her father is a successful man, and her mother is an photographer, in a word, she is from so rich family.

At that time I'm a staff of the Center with working full time, and it was so killingly busy even for healthy people.
And the number of staff of the Center unemployed - no need to work - was increasing, I did not have much time to do activity for the Center, I thought I would be given up by the Center soon, it's pitiful to say, with a sense of urgency.

Then, an attack of hyperventilation.
What I was feeling at the time, even now I can not describe it, but obviously that was anger in the main.
I did bear those, thinking I cannot feel and express that, so such an attack occurred.
Same as that, not for feeling an unbearable emotion rushing, abnormal symptoms like overeating comes to occur to the body of patients.

I think all the patients of overeating are so gentle.
Sealing the emotions that would make somebody mad, sad, sorry, we do have such inconvenient and puzzling symptoms on our own body.

When the patients hope to let'em loose from this inconvenience, they must face that sealed things again.
Absolutely this is the hardest and bitterest battle around the world.
But please don't be worry. Never give up, we're always keeping it going altogether.


May 05 [Sat], 2012, 23:58
Before connecting to Center:
Overeating and vomiting; all day long, 10,000 yen a day, for 16 years.
After consultation: Overeating and vomiting; Completely stopped in 196 days;
Symptomatic relief: in 2,304 days;
Amount of overeating and time is 10% of the symptomatic peak in spring of 2000 (22 y.o.).
Cost: after consultation, saved 18,160,000 yen; 300,000 yen a month, 36,500,000 yen per decade.

*My vacuum cleaner, that I've used for more than 14 years, broke for cutting down of the belt.
Its motor moved, but the brush didn't revolve,
so I took its head apart to find its rubber belt cut down.
He is not from overseas, but is not so popular and general machine,
and the delivery agent has moved to somewhere already,
also the name of the company is not accessible with Internet,
e.g. ABC Inc., or something like that, had much trouble, in that busiest every day,
at last found an agent contact and got the spare belt.
The contact person of the agent was so kind,
I wanna be like that, though I don't do CS work in office now.

*As before, I like to see many umbrellas, think they're big flowers open only on rainy day.
Thereto, recent-day rain boots and rain coats are also lovely to see!

*This day, Children's day (Japan) -
was beautifully clear and the temperature in that got slightly sweaty with moving a little.
Everything looked so vivid and beautiful, I could feel fantastic almost getting goose pimples!
Something like an energy? I can't say in words, but that's really filled in the air and sunlight,
felt as if it's inspired into all pores.

*I think I don't get irritated when I find the time and seasons going by,
cutting each moment, without many thoughts, I can take each ones just beautiful,
just happy, just comfortable, just like it.
That irritated feeling was just my mother's, and copied to me, and so cannot stop moving anyway.
Yet in myself, many copied feelings still remain, really exist,
and keep cause on my body many abnormal symptoms - overeating, depression, itching, etc.
However it takes long time, I shan't give up solving them.

Never think of. Let's feel'em out. Just take all, as it is.
If we get afraid to face, we have no way.
From first, no one to lead this way. If such one exists,
they must be hope, wish, like a dying ember on each heart...
  • プロフィール画像
  • アイコン画像 ニックネーム:Pastel(Farbstifte)
  • アイコン画像 性別:女性
  • アイコン画像 誕生日:1978年3月30日
  • アイコン画像 血液型:O型
  • アイコン画像 現住所:神奈川県
  • アイコン画像 職業:会社員
  • アイコン画像 趣味:
Make explanation of this blog - one of my hobbies - Foreign languages; English. Mandarin. Cantonese. Korean. I'm already not learning them harder than ever before, but I think I wanna write articles also in English just for brushing up.(HN for this blog Taeko Wada is for my another HN at cosmetic site of @cosme. I'm currently an inactive user there these 10 years. Was active around 2001-2005.)
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