May 25 [Sun], 2014, 19:12
I started having suicidal thoughts, something I never thought of before. I'm feeling worse and wworse and today was probably the highest peak. I spent whole day crying and blaming myself for what I did, wondering what would life be like if u actually did not do what I did. I was the happiest person 3 months ago. Soon it'll be exactly 3 months since that day. And I just keep getting more depressed. I want to talk to somebody so badly but I realized... Once S. Is gone, I have nobody. Literally nobody. There's nobody whom I can call friend and rely on 100%...
This is such a terrible feeling, I really do not wish for anyone to know this taste of living in a totally foreign country and having one of 2 people who you began to love so much leave you just like that, saying they don't love you anymore and don't want to know you no more. I often wonder how would it be if I just went to sleep. Forever. Usually I don't really enjoy sleeping but there must be some sort of salvation in the assurance you'll never wake up to a nightmare of real world. I'm afraid I start to understand people who decided to shorten their lives for various reasons.
Everyday is so lonely. Even though I have a boyfriend who is the best person in the world, he will never be able to completely fill all the gaps in my life, although I know he wishes he could. I'm really lucky to have
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