bipolar disorder 

June 08 [Tue], 2010, 10:04

EPHEMERAL


(i hate people who say they suffer from bipolar disorder. isn't everyone sometimes like that?)

i'm feeling really strange today. strange in a good way, i mean.
that's because yesterday (and most of my days on the past 3 or 4 months, actually) i was feeling like crap, and if i start writing all the reasons i wouldn't probably end this post in the next 2 hours. but not today.

today i'm feeling awesome.

and the best part it that there's no particular reason... to be fair, today would be an wonderful day to be feeling depressed and demotivated like always, for i'm removing all the nail polish i put on yesterday and i ate the brownie i wasn't supposed to and feeling that i suck at english 'cause i'm taking like forever to end a phrase, BUUUT -CAHAM- INSTEAD OF THAT i feel so happy i'm singing and dancing to songs.

so that takes me to two probable -but not that big- reasons (how many times have i said this word in this post? i really should be taking english classes again...): i'm listening to a band i just found out and it just perfectly fits me... and today i received the cutest compliment from someone i didn't expect to.

- hey, she's so beautiful, isn't she? what a skin.
- i'm about to say something but i'm afraid you'll take me the wrong way
- what is it?
- ...i don't think you should be jealous of her in any way. you're really beautiful. and i mean it.

going nowhere fast 

February 02 [Tue], 2010, 7:59

GOD IS PLAYING A TRICK AT ME

so, yes, 2010 started and fucked me on every way he could. i could spend hours here talking about that and explaining what happened, but i'm sure i won't forget about everything so there's no need of that.

i am here actually to write down a promise i made myself today, and I can't forget. i know i've done this here before, but back at that time i didn't have so many stuff encouraging me like i have now.


rachel, from now on, you are going to do your best on EVERYTHING you can. being 'just ok' or 'reasonable' it's over. you're now going to give your effort even (and mainly) on stuff you hate.
you are going to have people admiring you, even having envy. your parents are going to be proud, YOU are going to be proud. take it whatever it takes.

i don't believe i have anything else to say.

new year, same feelings 

January 14 [Thu], 2010, 9:05

DAMN SUBCONSCIOUSNESS

today i slept well like i did a very few times before... still, when i woke up, i felt like i had one of my most terrible nights ever
and the reason of all of this is a dream

i dreamt with him again, after almost an year, and i can't see any sense on that. i was not thinking of him before... i did recently have some nostalgic days i almost cried, but it was more than a week ago. so why this now?

it was so incredibly real (well, as it could be, since it was a dream lol)...
he for some reason start studying in my school by the end of the year, so everytime i passed by him i pretended not noticing. i did that many times until he came to me and said 'hey chele' (meaning 'hey, look who's here'), i just replied a cold 'hello' and went away.
he got kinda upset 'cause he thought i was going to do something like 'OMG YOU CAME BACK TO MEEEEEEEEEE' or something, but nothing else happened.

later, i was going to a concert with my best friend, as my mother told me to invite him (?) 'cause the concert was of his favorite band or something like that, and he didn't have anyone to hang out in brasilia and i would be nice by doing that and blablabla everything my mother would actually do.. i obviously didn't want to do that but i invited him and he accepted.
as we were heading to where the concert would take place (i guess i have to say it was snowing, wtf), my friend attempted talking to him a few times 'cause the situation was getting awkward, as i wasn't saying a word. she even told him he was really looking better than before and stuff like that. i didn't say anything, but i was feeling real jealous, and i don't even know why.

we finally got to the concert but it didn't happen at all (dream stuff heh), so he came to me to tell me some stuff. the conversation we had could perfectly be real, that was what scared me the most.
i was really cold at the beginning but we end up hugging each other... i can't remember much later, but i guess nothing important happened.

i don't know how i feel about this and actually i can't stand anymore thinking about those things. and i really shouldn't, as this is never going to change at all, and i know that.
guess that's it, i just wanted to write this somewhere so i can remember everything later.

and happy 2010 :)

P A R C 

August 13 [Thu], 2009, 9:15

SHA LA LA


Hello, guys. (by 'guys' i mean the flies and spider webs that may eventually give this blog a visit)
I normally try to be optimistic. I know that if someone ever gets to read my entries they're going to disagree with what I just said, but this blog is specifically where I like to throw up all the blahblahs I usually keep to myself behind a smile and a 'take it easy' cliche advice.
But honestly... today I'm feeling like crap. And it's not just because I've got a flu (and unfornately not the pig flu so I could skip classes) and I keeping coughing like a harsh dog would do. It's because I fail at life.

I fail at every single point. I even fail at blaming others for that, 'cause now it's all my fault. I'm the only one responsable for every fucking thing that made me feel this way.
First of all, I've always had some complications to talk. I mean, I don't talk much, so when I have to, the words come out all slobbed, scrumbled up or sometimes they even decide not to show up, leaving me saying things like 'aaa.. hmm.. what was the word...? hm...'. Most of my friends (and me) really got used to that and I really don't care people making jokes. Problem is when I'm trying to talk to people for the first time, when I should be causing a good impression. It's also a problem when I'm trying to speak english. If I already stutter when speaking the language I was supposed to be fluent at, you can imagine how it is when I have to use a foreign one. Thank god I only have to write here, not record my voice or something like that.
I'm also used to make fun of myself. All the time I end up joking about my sexuality, my dignity, my intelligence or my appearance. (OH MY GOD I JUST NOTICED THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER SAFARI IS NOT CORRECTING EVERY SINGLE WORD I WRITE. ENGLISH IS THE LANGUAGE OF GODS. Anyway, back to the subject.) I don't really care about it and my friends know that. But I keep on forgetting that 'my friends' stands for 'people who talk to me everyday, who like me and who doesn't need any proof that I'm not retarded'... Yeah, that means I make fun of myself in front of unknown people in ridiculous ways without noticing it. I lost the chance of talking to many people by doing that. And I mean it. (For example, the guys from my class think I'm a anime-addicted lesbian who takes shower naked everyday in school hoping for someone to try to watch me)
I consider myself a video game addict and it's been almost a month I don't turn on the DS and something like 5 months I don't download any new game. No, I'm not lying, I really love video games, but I just can't study, read books, draw, sleep, eat, use the bathroom and do any other basic need and get time to play as well. Really, the days are just TOO short and sleeping takes so much time...
Talking about studies: I can't handle studying no more. Ok, no, I can. But I suffer from LAZINESS. A big, big, HUGE one. The only matter is that I've got exams next saturday, and 3 days after I've got another one. And I've studied like 1/4 of the subjects... Usually I stay at school until late to study all afternoon, but since this week I've been sick, I'm coming home after lunch so I can take my medicines and have my temperature checked. But all I do is sleep after lunch, then wake up, look at my books with a disdain look and turn the pc on. I guess I'm getting a cute big 0, huh?
Last thing (that I can remember now, 'cause I'm getting sleepy), I JUST CAN'T STOP EATING, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU-. I can't understand! It's so... impulsive. And it's funny that when I finish eating like a starving elephant from Africa that hasn't been fed in days (even if I don't feel that way) I always think something like 'From now on, I won't eat anymore. No candies, no carbohidrates, no fat, no no no.' but two hours later I'm with a big bowl of chocolate-chip ice-cream and brownies on my hands. WHY. Yes, I get happy while eating those things, ice-cream is just the best invention ever, but is that worth getting fat, seeing your belly drop off your pants, looking at the holes on your butt (not the usual hole lol, I mean the ones on the skin) and dying earlier because of your fat heart? Is it?

Ok, Rachel. If you're reading that, all that stuff, from now on, IS OVER. Tomorrow you're going to stay at school until 7pm, and you're not eating anything. At all. Besides, you're going to study like a crazy no-life-nerdy-fag and get AWESOME grades on your fucking tests. No chatting. No drawing. No lyric writing. No pc until your last exam is gone. Not a minute.
You're going to show yourself that you're not the loser you're used to think you are. And after all that, you're going to write everything here. You're going to prove yourself you can be different. It's a promise. And this one you can't break.

I'll be back in 6 days. Wait for me, world. You're going to see the Rachel you never believed that actually existed. :D

... 

July 22 [Wed], 2009, 9:24

TRUFAX



"You're just a child, Rachel"


thank you, mom. that hurt me more than a bullet would.
it's really great to see what you really think about me.


thank you. a really fucking big thank you. i love you too.

hmm 

June 21 [Sun], 2009, 23:21

AND I'M BACK



Hm, hello.
I know I said it was time to change, and actually I did make a new yaplog, but yesterday I was bored (while I should be doing homework) and passed by /mushroomned... Idk, I like writing in english. Makes me feel intelligent, lol.
Yesterday I was wondering... I have so many places to write random stuff: fotolog, livejournal, twitter, forums, the other yaplog in which i write in Portuguese... But I really wanna keep on using this one. I guess here I'm gonna write stuff that I don't want anyone to read but it's not that important, while the other Yaplog I use to tell sometruths (to no one, unfornately).

So, where to start from?
Ah! See that picture on the left? I'm trying to change it by more than one hour. D= It's fucking old, even for the time I started writing here. I made a new one (cause now I HAS TABLET DOOD) but I have NO IDEA WHERE TO CHANGE IT. Good lord, where are my japanese classes going to?

Talking about tablets and stuff... I have so many things to do that only thinking of them makes me feel tired >_> I'm a lazy old bitch and proud to say it, FUCKYEAHSEAKING! I hate those cultural/artistic/voluntary/sports/whatever weeks of School, seriously. 'Cause ALL the artistic part comes over me! This year I'm responsible for the shirt design, EVERYFUCKINGTHING about the presentation (and that means script, acting, scenary and music) and the arts painel. DUDE, there are 50 people in my class and no one is giving a FUCK to this. They forget that this week should be something to integrate the class, that in the end everyone is gonna get some extra points. But no, why worrying if Rachel is there to do all the work? Yeah man, I love my class to death.

And since I mentioned fuckyeahseaking... Seriously, the thousand of newfags that appeared from nowhere are driving me insane. D= Last month I went to an anime convention and what I most saw was random /b/tards. There was a guy dressed up as Pedobear with many other people using shirts of it. At first I was like 'HAHAHA WIN', but when I talked to one of them, my only will was to shot each one on the forehead. Just to give an example, the guy in the Pedobear costume couldn't EVEN pronounce its name correctly >_>
There also was people using awesome face masks and some guys even sang Never Gonna Give You Up on the microphone.
Besides that, I feel like I'm going to explode everytime I see Motivational Posters in EVERYONE's Orkut... Most people doesn't even know where they come from, or what some memes mean.......
AAAAAAARG, I must admit I'm not that OLDfag that enters 4chan everyday since 1967, but WHAT'S WRONG WITH THOSE PEOPLE? Why does everyone now wants to be a geek? BEING GEEK IS NOT GOOD, YOU DON'T CHOOSE TO BE THAT WAY D= FUCK.
The worst part is that people that have always been this way (MYSELF) seem to be just following the ~~new trend~~. Seriously, FML.

Guess that's enough by now. Now I'm going to someone's house to get the presentention things done... Oh, good lord.

D: 

January 17 [Sat], 2009, 21:56
ops

:D 

November 24 [Mon], 2008, 5:51
time to change

so BYE~~!

blabla 

October 09 [Thu], 2008, 2:57

YADDA YADDA


Hi. D=
I said I was going to post here yesterday, but i was not possible. Sorry about that.
(ohmygooood why do I keep on saying things like someone read this?)

YESTERDAY I WENT TO SCHOOL WEARING ONLY A T-SHIRT, HELL YEAH!!1!
I must admit it went pretty well. At the beginning I felt a bit naked, but after comments like 'hey, you look pretty good in this, much better than before', I felt really well.
And the most important thing: I didn't melt in hotness!

Today I tried the same thing again. Whatever, all my nice T-shirts were getting washed, so I had to put on my most tight shirt. D=
I felt liek WHUT MY BELLY IS GONNA BE DROPPING OVER MY PANTS, but I can say it went better than I thought it would be.

Guess I'll go to school this way everyday. Well, just not in freezing cold days, of course. It doesn't happen often here, though.

OH MONDAY. 

October 07 [Tue], 2008, 7:55

リッラックマ~


Well, hello. It's me again (ORLY?).
Not something really big to say, just something I always think of.

I hate not being confident.
Well, it's true I just cant imagine myself all talkative, social and suppa-confident... But I'd really like to have a little more confidence.

I almost never leave home without a coat, a sweater or something like that. The reason is MA BIG FAT FATNESS. =D
Ok, I'm not THAT fat, but I do have a strange body and I prefer to hide it. So even when it's FUCKING hot, I'm using my school sweater or my Jack coat.

Everyone keep on saying to me to use 'normal' clothes and liek YELL at me when I say I don't wanna show my fat belly to society. And actually I'd really love to go outside home with just one simple T-shirt and be all right.

But everytime I look at me at the mirror... I think I'm just fatter and fatter.
Last year I went anorexious because of that, but at the beginning of this year I got back to my original weight. And hmm, sincerely? I wish I could go again. At least last year I never ate a full chocolate pot by myself.

Blabla, that's not the point. The real reason I'm posting this is that today it was reeeeeeeeaaaaaally hot, and I was going to stay at school until late (aka 6pm lol). Of couse I was wearing my sweater, but I was looking to all those girls wearing simple T-shirts... So I tried taking my sweater off. At first, all right. I was studing at a room and nobody noticed me.

So later, I decided to go to the restroom and after go eat something at the cafeteria. And OMG, it looked like everyone was staring at me. D= I had the impression that every laugh were at me. I know this is liek OMG SO STUPID but I was in panic, seriously.
Then, after I was almost convincing myself that I was normal, while I was buying chocolate, somebody threw water at me.
I mean, this person didn't threw AT ME, it was not proposital, but at the moment I was all like OH MY GOD SHE'S THROWING WATER AT ME BECAUSE I'M UGLY AND NOT THIN ENOUGH TO USE T-SHIRTS AS EVERYONE DOES.
and so I went to the room I was before with the biggest ASS FACE someone could make in this world... and put my sweater back. D=

I hate being this way. I wish I could use a simple t-shirt and be happy with that... I really wish.
SO TODAY I decided to go to school tomorrow WITHOUT THE SWEATER.

Tomorrow I'll post again talking about my new experience. Be prepared.
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