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I never really think or felt like this before...

Suddenly... everything just puts to an end... It really totally seems... I just live for the sake of survival... for the sake of abiding rules of nature... of not killing myself or whatsoever...

These days... it just got worse... I just feel I am always in the wrong.... I can never set things rights even if I want or try to...

I felt like Im totally a bad person.... I dont think there is any good in me. I seriously question what am I now... What should I do.

I understand now why I dont have any friends when I need someone.... because simply I deserve it. I deserve the every bits of bitterness and loneliness I felt in life... Its an unpleasant truth... but I guess I have to accept it?

I guess some people who is reading my blog now should be laughing behind the screen saying "yea serve you right, took so long to realize" well I cant do anything about it can I?

I am a coward some might call... I really do not know how long I can face life... Still battling inside me... but the longer I am in the battelfield... the worse its gets... faith lost, more disappointment, more ugly truth smack at my face. I grew weaker and weaker.. no idea how long can I last...

dont feel like talking to anyone.... it seems... I dont deserve to be anywhere...

I am always either the one ditched or left out... I guess... some people call Ï deserve it?

Somehow there is still part of me resisting the fact that all these are my retribution.... the part of me feel that I am unfairly treated... because the people started it first.... they fill me in with bitterness thus my actions... but they dont see it... what they see are their point of view... never slow down or stop to listen carefully my part of story....

Whats the point anyway... I do not have any significance in anyone's life anyway.

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My part 1 of birthday wishlist. Will add more as these are what I can think of as of now:

1. Kate eyeshadow Palette (Grey)

(sophie and toffee is a online shop based in Singapore)
2. http://sophieandtoffee.com/item.php?item_id=1245&category_id=11
3. http://sophieandtoffee.com/item.php?item_id=1180&category_id=11
4. http://sophieandtoffee.com/item.php?item_id=861&category_id=11
5. http://sophieandtoffee.com/item.php?item_id=841&category_id=46
6. http://sophieandtoffee.com/item.php?item_id=949&category_id=10
7. http://sophieandtoffee.com/item.php?item_id=291&category_id=10
8. http://sophieandtoffee.com/item.php?item_id=332&category_id=10
9. http://sophieandtoffee.com/item.php?item_id=967&category_id=10
10.http://sophieandtoffee.com/item.php?item_id=306&category_id=31
11.http://sophieandtoffee.com/item.php?item_id=285&category_id=31

12.http://ai-kiyomi.blogspot.com/2010/09/opi-nail-lacquer-part-1.html (The nic stick in her blog looks interesting :D) love shimmery colours :D
13.RMK Autumn brown collection eyeshadow palette for brown / black
14.http://www.eyeko.com/eyeko-polish-darkside-p-105.html

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The course was not bad.... but feel so tired and it can get really dull....

After awhile I got really home sick... because I just dont really like to play games... not in the mood for it.... I dont understand why course like to put in so many activities.... =.=||||

My gastric is back.... dont feel really well... hope it will go away soon >.<

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Have been quite moody lately...

Today is super moody and super heart broken....

Thanks for my collegue who bought apollo chocolate to cheer me up
Its my favourite chocolate. Was so touched and shocked. It was really unexpected.

Freaking tired too... Tomorrow is my course... hopefully it would be a fun and happy day

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omg... Im so in love with Monoral now....

His live is simply amazing.





Monoral is a band that Hyde discovered and sign them under his company.



After hearing... I know why he likes them.... Its so his style plus the vocalist REALLY know hows to sing... it clearly shows in his live... Now I really love Monoral and Vamps

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Getting more and more busy at work....

so freaking tired....


i want more sleep....
migrane is killing me...

good night....

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Hmmm my stomach acting up again... Keep having bad stomachache....

Dont feel like talking to anyone....

Feel so sick and tired and bored of being alive....

I guess that person will give up on me eventually... I dont know....

My eyes keep getting blur...

I guess I cried too much....

Should I just jump down the building?

or should I just swallow pills?

or should I just cut myself?

I dont know....

such a beautiful lie....

I am actually not loved by anyone in reality... how nice....

everytime something bad happens... I will think at least... i still have that person....

but now....

just feel so lonely... and empty and lost....

dont know what am I doing.....

My mind start to run out of words....

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Another day of being alive....

Dont even feel like working....

Feel my body is so heavy i couldn't move or do anything...

Everything was such a beautiful lie...

Nothing for me to do... except piles of work which I don't even feel like doing...

whats the point when life becomes only for working and to earn money for a living when to me being alive has no meaning for me anymore...

My mind is so blank now... I even forget how to work.... The things I pin on my work desk now seems to me just meaningless papers that are only there for show...

Whats the point of me going to work when I am already in such a hopeless stage of life...

Every day I pray to god... but my prayers seems not to be answered....

Or either... they are just short term lies of happiness which in turn transform into another nightmare....

Happiness to me its like an unreachable object....

I don't believe in it anymore...

By now,,, people must be wondering what an coward I am....

Keep saying I want to commit suicide but I didn't.... I really really want to... somehow something just keep stopping me.... but who knows.... it comes sudden right....

People can appear alright to you but the next day you never know....

I guess my blog post is going to be as meaningless as me...

The frustration of being alive...

I guess sooner or later... the person's concern will fade away,,,,and long forgotten about me...

Can somebody please save me from all these....

I still love that person deeply... but I guess its just one sided now....

Im really worse than an idiot.... I just cant stop my tears flowing....

in the past.... I loved someone... but the person rather believe an outside than me.... and left....

it took me so long to overcome it....

now even you left....

I dont believe in promises anymore.... I dont believe in anything anymore....

I just believe in death now....

Happiness are always so short for me....

I know you are feeling really guilty... so you try to care?

Its ok... just get on with you own things... you are free now...

You guilt will fade as time goes by...

everybody will leave me eventually....

How can I carry on with all these tortures alone?

I cant even go out now.... shadows and flash backs of what we do keep recurring...

We have been so many places.... I just cant go out anymore.... even things or songs

It just haunts me...

Its really best that I leave this world for good...

Im even crying at work... how nice....

This time... I really cannot take it anymore.... I don't want to do anything.... I don't want to engage with people anymore...

I ll just secretly wait for the day when death can take me away from all these torture....

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You have really good friends now...

You got to learn your favorite language now...

You got to learn your favorite instrument now...

Im just pulling you back i guess....

I feel so dumped.....

Im so sick of crying....

I really wish I could just take a knife and stab myself....

I guess you are enjoying life now...

If we were friend,,.. it wont be so nice anymore...

I would appear to you as just an irritating whiny friend with no usefulness

I cant be friends anymore....

I would just be sad still.....

I dont want to be your friend....

I just want to be what we are before....

I know its impossible.... but yet I still yearn for it...

Im an idiot right?

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I guess now you are so free....

Have so much freedom....

I am soon to be forgotten....

I really dont have the will to live anymore....

Its just torturing.... I dont know how long can I go....

everybody just leave me....

I guess thats the best for everyone....

Now you must be happily laughing with your friends....

Happily doing your own stuff...

Free from all the burden.....

I dont know what is my existence for....

so useless.....

Can someone just kill me?

I really dont want to wake up anymore....

It just sux feeling the pain and the tears just keep flowing every now and then

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