return from the grave

June 17 [Mon], 2013, 3:48
hello blog its been a long time!!

im not really sure how to explain myself my head has just been all derp but i do feel much better from my depression, took anti-depressants slept a lot yadda yadda yadda and im much better.

and it's father's day! i wish we could go to the resturaunt or something but we're not, just gonna have steak
but we have garlic bread with it so theres a plus!!

aaa i really dont know what to say. its just been up and down lately, it seems like my mood changes every other minute but i guess i'm still just out of it. i hope things will start to go better for me and i wont feel so stressed out and tired all the time!! i actually really wanna go to hershey park and to the beach this year, maybe i just need some time away from everything and to relax.

was it killer or kill her?

June 05 [Wed], 2013, 19:59
She mumbles ever so softly curses that taint her mind.

Thoughts that had been lingering and eating away at her soul were slowly coming back to life, singing and dancing inside her head a joyous dance that always seemed always so out of pace to her. Those fingernails were lightly rapping upon the floor, an attempt to distract those stray ideas that still lead to absolutely no avail. Still she kept trying, anything to trail away from this nightmare that has succeeded in taking over her. A humming tune joined in the orchestra, so very tuneless and improvised; no beauty to be found within it's meaning. Just a dazed child keeping herself away from the unveiling truth that slowly just carefully crawled it's way out of the depths of her heart.

What truly could be said to explain it? A long story, one far beyond believable at it's best. Tired, weary eyes dart around and observe her surroundings, all the while the singing and dancing continued though muffled from lucid observation. Through her crimson hues questions could be seen floating and sinking all around her, grasping and begging for answers which she could not give. Why was she here? Why did she feel so different? Words only left her as a mere loss; there was nothing in the world to explain how all of this felt, not would anybody be able to understand.

Perhaps she could line the devastating events alongside a story; a childish view of doing it yet so very clever for this situation. Eyelids closed themselves to embrace pure darkness, a light smirk crawling upon her lips in a tainted rapture. She oh so loved stories, they always told a story wandering minds could not; a simple solution to her problem! It would be one of her favorite stories, at that. How lucky she was.

How lucky she was to be telling the tale of the girl and the art gallery.

i sleep too much

June 04 [Tue], 2013, 4:36
I'm so tired. So very tired...
Haha, but who cares? I don't have a choice. I feel sick, I feel tired, I feel horrible, but I can't rest until it's all over. We all know there's no hope for me, I'm surprised people haven't told me to just give up. I don't even know why I'm motivated past the fact failing the 10th grade would just make me more depressed. I hate myself for sleeping. Everytime even though I'm just too tired to keep going, in my head I'm just insulting myself and downing myself for letting myself rest for so long. If I just stayed up 24/7, all these days, I might have a chance. But my body refuses to let me do it. Maybe I should just drink more caffeine. These sodas don't have caffeine, I realized, so much I should resort to coffee, even if I don't like it.

Sometimes I wonder if this pressure is driving me crazy. I never had this much motivation before, anxiety makes me have 0 motivation all the time. Honestly, if somebody read this... Maybe if I read this in the future... Cass, you are an idiot. You deserved this. It's your fault it happened. Maybe if you just did the work instead of sleeping all day you could've made it. You can't convince yourself it's not your fault because it is. You make no attempts to try to deal with your anxiety, even if it's hard you don't even try and you'd rather just continue to sleep. You know how to cure it, but you won't cure it. Why do you try to think it's not your fault when it undeniably is?

I refuse to tell anybody how I feel, how bad my situation is, or really how bad I've been treating myself lately. I just need to shut myself away from everyone and everything for the next few days if I want a chance. I need to find some caffeinated drinks to keep me awake... Maybe find an excuse to take a shower early in the morning or late at night. Anything to keep myself awake. I just keep sleeping...

little sis ruby

June 02 [Sun], 2013, 17:34
well, she's not related to yang but i still like seeing her as yang's little sister uvu

i believe the moon is a hint as to what's going on: in the black trailer, blake is not on team rwby yet. the yellow and black trailers have the same moon, so they are probably happening at the same time; yang is hunting down blake while blake is attacking the train. most likely, at the end of the black trailer, that was blake's betrayal to join team rwby. idk about the train itself, if it belongs to weiss or what... u:

anyways, good day, but i'm feeling sick. i'm gonna lay down for some rest before i get started on another round of hounding down schoolwork.

yang entered the stage!

June 02 [Sun], 2013, 9:21
today has really cheered me up!!

after quite a tiring and depressing morning, the release of the rwby yellow trailer changed eveverything. while waiting for the hour and a half i got to chill with my sempai and other cool homies and of course fangirl over yang~ i do kinda like the fanon design better, but she's still a huge cutie and MAJOR badass. and not to mention ruby is her little sister, that was something nobody had seen coming.

already i thought up silly headcanons and planned out a yandere!yang and ruby roleplay with sempai, and my yang and ruby shenanigans led to the first rubyxyang fanart... what a day... i wish i could've gotten more schoolwork done but maybe i'm pushing myself too hard. yes, i only have about 6 days until im out of time but i shouldn't be forcing myself to work non-stop like this. of course, i'm worried if i don't....

i'll try not to think about it and relax after a few more math assignments today. i'm really glad the rwby trailer came out when it did. so many things were going wrong and it really cheered me up.

6 days

June 01 [Sat], 2013, 20:35
In 6 days it'll all be over. I don't know how I will manage to turn this entire thing around in such a short period of time, but I will try my hardest.

Why am I actually caring now? ...I would just fall deeper into this mess if I fail this grade. I wouldn't even be able to manage to look at anybody; I'd transfer schools, I'd drop out... I wouldn't be able to carry something heavy like that with me the rest of my life. Still I am just aimlessly working on this schoolwork. The only reason being I want to avoid that fate.

Is it even possible to finish all this schoolwork in 6 days?
...Probably not... But I'll do my best. Because I don't want this fate.

the clocks ticking

June 01 [Sat], 2013, 20:05
It's really difficult.

It's really difficult and nobody understands.
Sometimes motivating myself to even wake up in the morning is difficult, much less feel confident or even happy about myself. I wonder: what is really the point of life? I wake up, I live, I work, and eventually I die. There's no reason to all of it. But at the same time I'm scared to lose my life. How can I find myself dedicated to knowledge or life in general if there's really not a meaning I can define it with? I just keep living, but all I want is just to be happy and not be filled with stress, worries, and everything.

Yet, that's not a life at all.

I can't even tell people how it feels, all I am seen as is a liar, procrastinator, lazy... Endless doctors appointments, endless diagnosis, some days I feel like my entire existence is just a burden and all I cause is more and more bills. I doubt I will be anything worthwhile later on in my life. I can't motivate myself to even get out of bed, how is there any hope for me? I just really don't know what to do anymore, but at the same time there's nothing I can do if nobody will understand how I feel any help me.

【東方】 After the rain

June 01 [Sat], 2013, 5:28
touhou arrange!!! : after the rain
this song is super pretty, i swear--
the beginning of the song i was a bit uncertain if i'd like it, then the voice came in and fell in love. it's really relaxing and lovely aaa i havent heard the translation but it's probably on touhouwiki or something by now. but either way it's so simplistic but the calmness and use of instruments is just so perfect aaa i'm in love probably one of the best arranges of suwako's theme by far

suwako is such a great character too uvu i remember seeing a video of this adorable little suwako cosplayer and she just ran around aya in circles and then her hat fell off and i just feel like suwako would be a bit childish like that?? prob not canon but still it's really cute when younger people cosplay~ i wonder if she was a fan of touhou? haha it's quite a game to be interested in at that age...


June 01 [Sat], 2013, 4:34
hello friend and welcome to my blog!!!!

this is just a really dumb blog where i'll post things relevant 2 my interests which are listed on that cool sidebar to ur left

theres honestly not gonna be anything interesting here unless u want to hear the musings of someone really dumb
  • プロフィール画像
  • アイコン画像 ニックネーム:Lacy
// Welcome to the musings of a
loser named Lacy.
Here you will find really dumb
opinions, music, obsessions, and
other stuff. A few of these
interests include Touhou, RWBY,
Homestuck, and RPG Maker
Horror games (Especially Ib!)
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