dear

May 23 [Mon], 2011, 22:33

all of us r walkin on the windin road
what is leadin us is always shinin hope
i have many things that i wanna say to you
but i donno how to say
you will surely find me
cuz, after all, u r my last hope,,,



r u seein this?
...i guess so, anyway.

i remember u,
every year, every this season.

,,,n now, i wanna say "thank you"


i remember that then i never told u "i love you" from the bottom of my heart.


"i love u"
"i wanna b with u"


although u told me such phrases many-many-many-many times,
everytime when i heard them i felt guilty n superior to u.



"im vry sorry to make him--already a grown-up-- say sugared words such many times, for im just using him"



,,,after that, now i, standing in ur shoes, know one thing.

u were sayin to me "i love you" or "i wanna b with u" after another not to attract my heart.
yeah now i know, u never tried such a bull-shit.

i think u did it just like the water overflowing from the bowl.
n what's more, a size of bowl n a quantity of the water---they depend on what kind of man he is.



i mean, the word has not everything.

i was fuckin childish that i couldnt understand it.




gee, already 6 years has passed,,,time waits for no one, hah?



anyway, the love we had was meaningful for me.
i got many things from it.
both of us did the best, right?

thank u, my dear.

obstruction

May 20 [Fri], 2011, 21:53
"oh ma gosh,,,ma job hunting was fuckin hard for me. now i can feel relieved, tho.
it was the hardest experience of ma life"


---then, what was the second?


"well,,,when i was studyin abroad, i think. everyday we had a discussion, discussion, discussion,,, n always b asked ma opinion.
it was so terrible for me that i almost died from a stomachache!
...but anyway, it cant b compared with this job hunting.
i cant stand days without hope for future"


i see,,,
anyway, well done, ma bro.




who is worried about future is easily to forget a happiness of having future.

,,,i envied him, anyway.
the job hunting was the hardest of his life, he said.


gee, i could remember thanks to him,

this world is still beautiful.

ur love put me at,,,

May 10 [Tue], 2011, 19:49

i remembered what i was said long long before.


"mayb, mao, the reason why you r afraid of his flirtation is cuz u think other girl is gonna take his heart someday, somehow,,,just like you did before"

"gee...that's right. what ive done is gonna be back to me again, right?"

"yap. cuz the fact that he dumped her for you means he is a very man who can do such a damn thing. whatta irony, tho"


sometimes i dont tell a fact, cuz i think him dearest.
on the other hand, sometimes the words tell a lie to the fact.
so im not such a naive girl that thinks everything that we talk about is the fact.

but what i can see now by my eyes throughout the time we were with,,,
it is an obvious fact, i believe.


"the woman who is workin is already happy, generally speakin.
she has money, freedom, friends n social standing---it's enough, ya know.
cuz mayb her heart will not flutter at all, even if a man proposes to her "i make u happy".
if she is said "plz b with me, cuz i need u for my happiness",,,then she will move, mayb."

"then, i guess if men r free from a stereotype--a man can b full-fledged only after gettin married n havin his family--mayb marriage will b not needed.
cuz a man proposes to woman cuz he wants to get married, but there is one reason rooted the bottom of his mind---a social pressure from those around"

www

April 23 [Sat], 2011, 16:42

i never felt that i had lost him.

but even if i can compete with him for the brain, i had one thing that i never b able to beat him.
it was the flexible n strong will with which he could settle the ideal and the reality with.

differences of their way of thinking or misses of his collegues---
he didnt oppose them squarely, but made realistic proposals for them one after another.

it was so-o-o big appeal of him that could not b compared with any other reasoning skills.


...until then, i thought it was justice to rush headlong with oneself's belief. but now i know,,, i was wrong.
it cant b called bravery.



btw,today i remembered the moment when i watched a volleyball game of the olympics.

then i knew about "what is the identity".

people clapping with balloons, gold-colored balloons filled the hall, weirdness of gold -colores moving all together,,,

this is the IDENTITY.

they couldnt help jumping for joy not when the opposing team got a point by beautiful n unbelievable skills, but when their own-side got a point by taking advantage of mistakes of opposing team.


"Jesus, this is the identity"


i---who is worried about the olympics as the member of citizens on earth, who is contenplating about an amendment of article 9 of the japanese constitution, who was struggling to contain myself who wanna cheer japanese team,,,


yap, this is me, isnt it?
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読者になる
there is no future, there is no past.
i live this moment as my last.
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