couldn't sleep :( 

October 30 [Mon], 2006, 7:00
you know that feeling where if you have to take one more second you think youll burst or flip out or cry? all you have to do is just keep on handling it for one more second, and pretty a minute has gone by and then 30 and then half a day and youre still alive and handling it...and you havent flipped out or anything. i think you can do a lifetime of that. maybe its unhealthy and maybe it means that if you ever do snap it would have been worse than if you had just let it allll out at that moment but that's what im doing right now..the key is not thinking about it! every time it comes, push it out immediately!! dont dwell, dont feel sorry for yourself, dont magnify your problems in your mind. just dont think about it...

i like having friends. i value them a lot.
ilove them
because of my 19yrs of existence ive realized that real friends and family will be the ones who'll put both of their arms around me and carry me back to my room when i fall with something that breaks me. the people i include as real friends are veery few in number..but thats how i like it

thank you. arigatou.


October 24 [Tue], 2006, 0:56
anyways, it's late. too late, actually. i have an assignment, a stupid resume, and an unfinished application courtesy of my buusy weekend.. oh well, it was for a legitimate reason. my mom is still awake and i hear james blunt playing downstairs, which is odd to me because i'm sure she has no idea who he is, and i'm sure she wouldn't approve of the lyrics if she understood english in "you're beautiful" that say "yes she caught my eye, as i walked on by / she could see by my face that i was fucking high, and i.." - but who am i to judge. i've come to two realizations - the first is that i love the night, and i love it when i'm alone, but i would love it even more if i'm with someone that's truly worth being around; the second is that i love the feeling of a makeup free face. okay, so i admit that i am excessively fond of eyeliner and mascara, but it's nice to walk around without any on. i think it's almost holistic. women who spend every living, breathing moment with their face caked on will lose their ability to love the way they look without the rouge and the lipstick, and it is the nakedness of a bare face that we must learn to become comfortable with if we are struggling to accept our exterior. to women who are naturally radiant and don't need revlon, l'oreal, or maybelline to make them feel beautiful.

my mom is pissy because i'm still up, but i'm actually feeling.. good i hope this feeling won't leave when i wake up.

alright, still :) 

October 10 [Tue], 2006, 2:30
there is something inexplicably relaxing about being the only person awake in the middle of the night just you and your music (and in my case, karaage and green tea to counter those late-night chills you get when you don't sleep enough.. aaah green tea = so bomb hehe) of course, homework spoils whatever fun i might have had from this experience, but then again, when does it not?

i like letting my mind wonder it does go to pretty random places.. random, but interesting. i've definitely have done some serious thinking and reflecting the past weekend. i just hope everything works out for the best!! i contemplative or what.. i want to drive (if i have a license that is aaaaahh) to some giant hill overlooking the city, park, my house, and just look at lights. uuhh let's say somewhere like minatonomieruokakouen-kind of place. i don't even really know what to think about, or why i'm thinking about it, but thoughts are just there, and i end up thinking them nonetheless (that made absolutely no sense whatsoever)

a little bit of crying for no apparent reason never hurt anyone, did it? everyone needs to purge themselves of whatever internal weights they may happen to be carrying. those things get heavy on the heart pretty quickly...

hmmmkayyy...after spending the entire month thinking about study abroad... i seriously, seriously, seriously can't wait to go to a different college even though i know my experience will be.. quite different than what life at waseda is like.

i guess that's it for now!
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