where my heart is 

January 13 [Fri], 2006, 0:59
もうやだ。何も考えたくない。
春公出たいけど、出たくない。
去年はやって後悔はまっっっっったくないけど、
去年と今年は違う。
あたしも、他のダンサーも、キャビの人たちも。
i dont believe its gonna be any better than last years.
彼女の最後の作品になるなら出たいけど、
祭のガールズみたいなやり方でやるなら、
そんなにやりたいと思わない。
あたしは、あの人みたいなダンサーになりたいし、
そうなろうってダンスを頑張る自分は好きだけど
今自分が何をしたいのかってのは分かんない。

2nd Day of 21 

January 09 [Mon], 2006, 21:59
So this is the 2nd day, 20 more to go.

Quite normal a day.
No unhealthy self destructive behaviour.
Although I was a bit lazy this morning. But I know not doing anything whole day is going to put some nasty ideas in my head so I took a walk around a bit. And I even went out to catch a movie in the evening, LIKE A "NORMAL" PERSON.

No puking today, My cramps better, Decent amount of cigarette.

I am handling it well. I am getting there.

1st Day of 21 

January 08 [Sun], 2006, 19:53
I signed myself up for the rehab.
I simply cannot go on living like this.
Things have to change.
My self-destructive behaviours had become my daily routine, and I felt myself going mad. Not eating the whole day was normal. Binge eating and puking everything out of my system afterward was normal. Taking painkillers (twice as much as the prescribed amount) was normal. Shedding my own skin with a knife was normal. Crying uncontrollably was normal.

This is a 21-day program.
Things are going to change, no matter how long it takes they will change.
P R
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