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November 06 [Tue], 2012, 1:19
"The more you talk about someone, the more you fall in love with them"

I've talk about this guy to so many people. Most of them never really understood why I had fallen for him. She, did not understood either at first, but you know what they say: "The more you talk about someone, the more you fall in love with them" and apparently, by constantly talking about him, I was not the only one falling in love with this guy. By talking about him, I made her fall in love aswell.

The fact that she felt the same way as I did, did not really bother me at first.

It was just a silly crush after all, a silly crush I had on a stranger. I didn't know anything about him and the only thing we had in common was that we worked in the same foodcourt.

Later on, I found his name, talked even more about him. Honestly, it made me really happy to talk to her. She was the only person that "cared".

Maybe that's why I didn't care when she started saying that he was not that ugly and even quite handsome. I think also that I didn't care because there are those "rules", you know: "Chicks before dicks", "don't steal your friends crushes", etc. I guess I felt safe.

I was so fucking wrong.

Being super shy, I was terrorized with the idea of ordering something at his restaurant. Unfortunatly for me, she, was not as shy as I. Quickly she started ordering there. I never felt jealous, I was just envious because I had no courage.

One day, I gathered enough strenght and ordered an iced coffee. He, was super cold. I felt like crying, why was he cold with me? I saw him numerous time smiling when she or some of my coworkers would order something, so, why being cold with me? I eventually got over it and a couple of weeks(if not months...) later, ordered a coffe again. He was still cold. His attitude towards me made me so sad, I decided to just look at him from a distance.

I can't really remember when and how but he eventually understood that maybe, she and I were interested in him. When walking in front of our restaurant, he would look at us. Each time, I couldn't look in his eyes, in fact, I'd do anything to not catch his eyes.

One day, he decided to order at our place. I was so nervous, I could not serve him, so I told her to take his order and I hid in the backstore. That was so lame, I agree.

Once, I was walking in China Town and I saw him. The next day, he ordered something, I hid again. The day after, he ordered again and I had no choice but to serve him. He never looked at me, he kept staring at the food as is he was nervous aswell... For some reason... I felt like he came to order because he saw me earlier that week... I was extremely happy. He did not come once, but twice! I told her. Mistake. The evening after I told her, she went and ordered at his restaurant. He asked her: "Oh, you're not working today?". It killed me. I think it was one of the first time I was jealous of her.

From then, I never told her anything about him anymore, fearing that she would do something to catch his attention.

All of what I just wrote was from autumn 2010 to summer 2012.

More recently, maybe in the end of september. She and I, started to worry about him. He would work everyday and he looked really tired and sad. Once, when I finished at 8 and she finished at 9:30. She saw him, he was laying his head on a table near his restaurant, as if he was sleeping/crying. She said: "Are you ok?" he said: "I'm ok." The next day, he waved her goodbye. She told me. I wanted to cry.

A couple of days later, she ordered something, he gave her for free. I wanted to cry.

The weekend after, I gathered all my courage, every single drop of it. I went and ordered a coffee. He looked very surprised when he saw me and he gave me the coffee for free also. I was about to cry, first, because of happiness but then, because... maybe he gave it to me just to be "fair"... anyways...

He kept walking in front of our restaurant. I started to smile at him and sometimes he would smile back and sometimes he would just ignore me.

Last weekend, he came to order something and since my boss was not here, I just gave it for free. The next day, he came again, I served him, she saw us. later on that day, I was playing with my boss and as I saw him walk in our direction, I told my boss: "Look, my boyfriend's coming.", my boss called him to tease me and as they were talking, she came and started asking questions about his tattoos. I was so angry. She did this just because she did not get his attention earlier. I left, super angry, did not talk to her for the rest of the week.

Last thursday, I was closing and I think he walked in front of my restaurant on purpose, he smiled, I smiled back. I was in love. Did not told her.

At this point I tought, he liked me more than her. I was not chasing him like her. He was coming to me.

Then, on sunday. I worked with her. Apparently, since we have absolutely nothing in common, the only thing she can talk to me about, is him. She said that he came the day before, but she did not care. Obviously she knew I was not happy about it, because she had to precise that she did not care, when she obviously cared. Later, I took my break, I saw him, I smiled, he kind of smiled. I was somewhat happy.

The day was ending and I was more confortable with her so I tought that the day was not that bad after all. Naturally, good times don't last. As I was counting the cash, he passed in front of us and smiled at her. It killed me, once again. I just wanted to leave, luckily, I had only a couple of minutes left in that goddamn place before I could leave. Once I got in the metro, it took me all the efforts in the world to not break down and cry.

-the end-


next entries won't be as long as this one. I just needed to tell what I remembered from the beginning. What made me disliked her so much and why am I still head over heels for this guy. This blog will be about my life, the sad parts of it, which are 89% because of them. I am always sad.

Reading this entry, I feel that my sadness looks really shallow, but it is not. I guess I'm too sensitive and quite possessive.

I hate this girl. I want him.
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