Happiness is a warm gun

February 22 [Mon], 2010, 22:13
"are you happy" he asks with an ironic smile on his face "no, i mean are you really happy."

I have no way of answering this question. I actually hate it. I have never really liked being asked if i was happy. There are so many layers of being happy. You never know to what exactly the person is asking about. I like my job i like my friends, i love my family, i like my hair, i love my handbag, i like my makeup, i love that eclipse is coming out this summer, i like the fact that i can walk to ikebukuro and i love my curling iron. All these things that i love and like make me happy. Is that what people are asking about; are there enough things in my life (small as they may be) that add up to make me happy. ok er oh oh ok i am happy.

He was not asking if i was happy that the sakura steamer at starbucks tastes amazing though. You can tell by his look. I avoided the question. In regards to the things he was thinking about, the way our lives had played out, no i am not happy. I told him "i am very genki" and he said he was (to quote in english) "very unhappy and very unlucky". Well, good rightly so.

March will be my happy month, i think. I want to be happy not only when i am shopping or watching the cutest kids in the world jump around a circle of red hearts taped to the floor; but also before i go to sleep. I want to look up on the train and see the path we took countless times together and not feel a pinch to my heart, that would make me very happy. Just march and then i won't have to ride that train anymore, that makes me happy to.

just thinking and rambling...

February 07 [Sun], 2010, 17:39
I love an unmade bed. It is funny because i am actually the type of person who has no trouble making her bed before she leaves the house. More often then not when i snuggle into bed at night, it is into a very nicely made bed. But i love unmade beds.
There is just some thing about them that makes you wanna snuggle in. something about them that makes them look really comfortable. much more comfy then a made bed ever looks to me.
I remember my a friend i had my first year of school. she had these fantastic maroon sheets and a tan down blanket. She never made her bed. I thought it was the most lovely thing ever, so i would make up conversations with her just so i could lounge in her bed.
I often wonder why i bother to make mine...

One, 21 guns throw your arms up in the sky

January 28 [Thu], 2010, 19:45
last week we went to the green day concert it was cool, but the line for the goods was to long so i own no green day goods to show for my experience...

happy with coffee


and more crowds

in bukuro after the show getting ready to eat shyabu shaybu
and ad old friend who took grow up pills since the last time i saw him... he used to be 12 and now he chats like an adult....

"If you own it, it can't hurt you..."

January 22 [Fri], 2010, 23:47
I love him. i love him so much i wish i was a gay man so i could cross the world and date him I became an obsessed reader of perez hilton around the same time i started reading foodie blogs and mommy blogs. It was around the same time i got to busy or to stressed to spend hours reading magazines i could not afford to buy on the ninth floor of my favorite book store. it was around the same time i burnt out on deciphering my japanese cook books and during the times when hanako fell asleep half way through dinner, and the only thing to do was turn off the lights and look at the computer.
I started reading his blog as an escape from my life. Not in a creepy way (like it sounds) but in the way that the things he wrote about were totally foreign to me. reading his blog reminded me that i was was American and i loved english and that i could have something that the people around me could not ever get.
Today i watched his vlog and i could not help but smile. he talked about dating and men and heart break and how sneaky boys suck. I hope he finds someone cool, someone who gives him what he wants and someone doesn't mind having little hearts drawn on their abs or crotch or anywhere really...
he ended his vlog by saying " if you own it, it cant hurt you". I have heard that before. it is something that i think we have all heard somewhere before. It kinda floats around in the collective advice consciousness, so we all know it like we know that you put flower in bread (where did you first find that out) . I still like it, especially when he said it.
What the Buck was rightGlee is awesome.

Its like cinderella's ball ... but who will be cinderella and who will be the sisters?

January 20 [Wed], 2010, 22:36
a friend once said to me "I don't know if it is because you are from Japan or if it is because you are just laura but at times you are to out of it..." It is true. sometimes i am just out of it.. and i don't know if it is because i grew up in Japan or if that is simply me.
I am out of it... but i am always finding IT (whatever IT is that i am out of) creeping up along side me as a sleep on the train. I have just discovered the Bachelor. Yes i know it is in it's 14th season and all of america and other english speaking countries are long over "IT". I have just found what a joy it is to watch all these lovely women fight like tigers over a pilot. Top model without the without Tyra. Project runway without the fashion. The real world without the youth and need for violence.
the Bachelor arrived on my doorstep (aka my lovely computer) along with margaret and stephanie and my dear friend joyce. The kardashian sisters grabbed his hand and pulled him into the room and explained in their fabulous articulate way that his show would be an excellent sedative... putting all real thoughts on hold.
This season shows us Jake (who was cut from another season for being to sensitive), he looks like he could be a docter from nip tuck (only blond) he flies planes and is so so so happy to have like a house full of women trying to kiss him. Except for one girl (she made a plan you can tell) who said no kisses tell you are all mine...

he looks better wearing a tee-shirt and a vest (i know that is so american of me to say that!).
As i listened to all these women so intent on marrying this man that they just met, i was so confused. Many explained that they were at a point in their lives when they had every thing they wanted , just no one to share their life with. With out that person, everything else seems to not matter, they went on to explain. Now i don't know if it is because i grew up in Japan or is simply because by some trick of nature but i did not know that i was supposed to feel sad and unfulfilled without my jake...
I am unfulfilled because i am not with a specific person not because i am not with any person. Maybe i just don't get it yet... maybe i should join the Bachelor next season, maybe i will just be happy with babies who say thank you and my red sparkling shoes...

i like where we are when we drive in your car...

January 11 [Mon], 2010, 23:15
one of my favorite things on youtube are those awesome videos that people make about the movies they love. Not just any fan video. The kind where the video maker choses their favorite song or a song they think matched the movie and then set scenes from the movie to that song. they are amazing. just look up your favorite movie and i am sure you can watch the musical 4 minute version.
i love these videos so much not because of the wonderful workmanship they display but simply cuz i find the best music. I noticed that certain songs are popular and they show up over and over. Instead of learning the name of so many songs i just look for them in a list of movie moments. i thought i had lost my favorite song (it was the perfect song for a dirty dancing fan vid) but i was not only surprised but happy when i stumbled across it again. if it was good enough for dirty dancing it is good enough for twilight. Now this time i will make an effort to maybe remember the name...

i miss Johnny Castle... he was human and strong and american and did that pay attention and look into my eyes finger thing...

you said move on, where do i go...

January 10 [Sun], 2010, 18:16
so it is anouther year. I know this should not come as a surprise but it did. i stopped, but the world did not. i thought that i had bi-accidentaly sat on the remote control and everything shut down... but just as soon as i could find the remote i could turn everything back on and life would start up again just where it had left off. But there is no remote. the world goes on and mourning over a hole in the middle of your body is a luxery reserved only for teenagers and characters in books where the passage of time can be shown in empty pages filled with white. As time passes though i may not feel like i once did but maybe that is not a bad thing... maybe i am changed, but for the good.
everyone is asking about and talking about their new years resolutions or the plans for this new year. i have a lot of answers (i always do ya) but in reality i don't have any. the world changed so much last year i am taking last year to be my life long resolution and from now on to simply go on ahead.
i wonder what "going on" involves though... new jobs, new homes, new friends,new faith, new recipes, new hobbies, new conversations, new shoes, new underwear, a new favorite color (or at least back to the old one), new books, new dreams, new hair, i don't want a new boyfriend (i think men give me a headache), i don't want new make up, i don't want to start listening to new music (even if my music taste is not all cool and indie)...

if you think it is fun to ride motorcyles why not just learn to ride yourself..... o maybe that can be ny new years thing


September 18 [Fri], 2009, 23:00

funny man "have you lost weight since the last time we met"
girl with no worries "perhaps... i have things on my mind"
man with to many worries "maybe you should go to the doctor"
girl with no worries "i don't think it is so serious"
funny man "no ?... are you sure? when the doctor asks you what is wrong you can tell him that you are love sick... do you know what that means? say it l o v e s i c k aaaahhh yes that must be it, you are love sick..."
and then we all laughed, i guess because at that moment none of us were really love sick, in love perhaps but not sick from it. Unless of course, you see the whole process of love as a diseases. At the start you are light headed. You are dizzy and unable to eat. You fall asleep smiling and wake up smiling. Your heart is un-naturally light and your sense of pain is dulled. The winters aren't so cold and the summers aren't to hot. Sleeping is a joke unless you can hold hands.
There is then a clam in the cancer that is eating away at your heart. You feel just content and happy, at peace and belonging. A few lucky people stay like forever . Many though are consumed by the angry calls in their body and the only way to survive is to have the doctors cut out your heart and replace it with a robots. Your new heart beats and pumps blood through your body but every beat feels like a thousand dagger stabs. Every breath is an effort and the scar bleeds all day.
I don't see love as a sickness though (i am not one of those people) . I do now understand why people compare the ending of love to that of a illness. Not that i have not felt this way before but once i recover i think i forget how painful it can actually be. Or mabye each time it just gets worse... who knows.
Recently i thought about that cold night when we all laughed about love. Sometimes i wish i did not have so many purely happy memories. When you look at what was lost you can't help but wonder if something could have been done along the way to change things. I vacillate between wanting to remember and bottle up all the lovely memories, so i can save them and hold them and then wanting to erase them like Clemintine ... but then i would hate to wake up half way through the procedure like jim carry and realize that with out the memories i don't want to go on.
so i am stuck now. i have thought about going to the doctor and asking him if there is anything he can give me for my lovesickness. i have a feeling though that no medicine is strong enough to make my robotic heart melt into a real one. all that is left to do is wait. Wait and cry. Cry and write silly blog entries and listen to music that make me feel like there are so many people who know exactly what i am feeling. Wait and hope that eventually normal returns.

All I know Is everything is not as it's sold

August 10 [Mon], 2009, 9:52
as we slowly waste away this rainy summer i am trying to decide if i am more or less content this year compaired to last. Last year i was sad but filled with hope. hope for the sun, hope in the ocean, hope for not getting caught in the down pour without an umbrella, hope for endings and new beginnings. hope in humans. hope that we could find happiness huddled under an old car and in a fried rice shop. This year i am just sad.
At first glance being sad with no hope may seem worse. i don't know though. From this point there is only up. so perhaps there is hope.

i am excited to escape away even if it is just for a few moments, since really, there is nothing worse then being showered by someone else's love affair when you have just drowned in your own. But of course we can never dream of saying this. As a good friend once told me just smile and say ah - huh.

The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.

August 02 [Sun], 2009, 17:03
gosh it is a rainy summer. rainy and gloomy with far to few pool days and far to many cold nights. i am taking walks, wishing now more then even that some how i will run into the answers i am looking for. i am wondering if the right answer is the one that looks the most wrong. It looks wrong, sounds wrong, smells wrong and with just a dash of logic can quickly be labeled as a passing mistake and waist of time. But logic is cold and heartless. Logic seems like the easy way out. An easy way out of a hard situation that just might turn into a good one.
what is a relationship worth saving. is it one with few fights and lots of laughing? Is it one full of adventure and long chats? i used to think the most valuable relationships were the ones where you have the feeling of complete and utter freedom. I am not talking about an open relationship, but one where being with that person makes you feel free and with out them you feel as though you are serving a life sentence chained to a table and being forced to listen to the drone of pointless conversations.
I still believe finding freedom in anouther is something worth fighting for once you find it. Now though i am taken with the need to share your spoon.
We sat that the counter of tiny hole in the wall. The sort of place that you would never know about unless someone told you about it, and then took you there for the first time. It is so good that this happens plenty of times, which results in the the tiny store always being crammed with small parties of hungry people willing to sit side by side with strangers. Since it is such a tiny place, often things are over looked and the busy staff have no time for silly prima donna requests. When the food came there was just one spoon. Some people would insist on a second spoon for the second person. Some people would say, you take the spoon i'll just use my chopsticks to eat the fried rice. but it wasn't even an issue. we shared. the funny thing is it was natural so the sharing when completely unnoticed. not until we were almost done and you went to the toilet did i realize there was only one spoon. Even though we did not have much to say to each other, even though we had so much to say that saying anything at all would cause an unwanted sceane, we still could use a spoon together.
maybe i will wake up in a dream world where we all live in a house with one spoon. There is no past since it is to messy and full of goki. There is no future since it holds the threat of an unhealthy lifestyle coming back to haunt you. There is just now, we can laugh and talk or just be quite. We can watch the news or that show about bread people while eating ice-cream out of the container, and just be.
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