我輩の美しい世界

I'm fucking mad.

I knew she was coming early... but I was assured that wouldn't happen.

I knew someone could have lied... but oh no, he had to be BLOODY honest with it.

I also knew that it would be a fucking Minnie Mouse in it which was won from an arcade. My prediction came true... It WAS a fucking Minnie Mouse plushie in that wrapping. PRESENT? Present my fucking ass.... DID ANYONE SEE THE FUCKING LABEL? Made for distribution in Watsons Malaysia. To inform my dear Aussie pals.... Watsons is like a pharmacy you guyzs have here.... IT IS FUCKING ALSO DISTRIBUTED IN MALAYSIA. which means it ain't

1) a fucking original copy

2) obviously won from the arcade judging at the poor quality of the nose and the ears...

3) I CAN GET IT FOR FREE OR EVEN LESS THAN RM20 which is like less than $10 Aus here

... Now what does that tell me???? CHEAP ASS WITH NO FEELINGS OR ANYTHING PLACEDIN IT. IN OTHER WORDS, IT WAS NEVER GAVEN TO ME WITH PURE HONEST INTENTIONS. IT'S A CHEAP ASS GIFT WITH A HALF HEARTED FEELING IN IT. SHE FUCKING DIDN'T PUT ANY EFFORT SO DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME OR COMFORT ME THAT SHE DID!!!!!!

I AM NOT A FUCKING ATTENTION WHORE OR A FRIEND STEALER. I REFUSE TO GET INVOLVED WITH THIS ANYMORE... THIS IS FUCKING PISSING ME OFF MORE AND MORE... WOULD THIS PLEASE BE SOLVED NOW.... WHY CAN'T PEOPLE BE MORE CONSIDERATE AND UNDERSTANDING??? HUH!!!!???? I'M FUCKING GOING TO SELL THAT PLUSHIE BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HAVE A FUCKING PURE MEANING BEHIND IT.

I AM GETTING SICK OF LYING TO MYSELF THAT I CAN BE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE THAT IKNOW I CAN'T GET ALONG BECAUSE I HATE THOSE KINDA ATTITUDE. IT IRRITATES ME....

I HATE PEOPLE TRYING TO DOMINATE THEIR LIVES IN A FUCKING CONVERSATION... DON'T BE FUCKING SELF-CENTERED, YOU ARSEHOLE.

I HATE PEOPLE WHO TRY TO DICTATE HOW A PERSON'S LIFE HAS TO BE LEAD OR WHY A PERSON MUST ACT IN A CERTAIN MANNER, IT'S MY FUCKING LIFE AND MY FUCKING RELATIONSHIP, NOT YOURS AND I'M NOT ASKING FOR YOUR FUCKING ADVICE!!!!

I HATE AND LOATH PEOPLE WHO DETERMINE WHAT MY ACTIONS MEAN BECAUSE YOU SERIOUSLY HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT I WENT THROUGH AND WHY I FUCKING THINK IN A PARTICULAR MANNER... AND I'M NOT SO FOOLISH TO GET OTHER PEOPLE INVOLVE IN MY ARGUMENTS EXCEPT THE PARTY INVOLVED WITH IT.

AND I FUCKING FUCKING HATE IT WHEN SOMEONE PINS THE BLAME ON OTHERS BECAUSE IT SHOWS THEY'RE SELFISH AND ONLY CARE FOR THEIR OWN FUCKING SELF. YOU'RE NOT AN HONEST FRIEND AND I CAN'T FUCKING TRUST YOU.

I'm very very tired... I wish to disappear from everything right now. I really wish I would be allowed that privileged to. i want to be able to do it without any guilty feelings included in it. I'm quite sure though that I'm not going to be allowed to....

I need a holiday far from here. I need to have alone time for myself... T_____________T

God, even my friend said I looked like I was prepared to bitchslap that girl at any one time. I was truthfully clenching my teeth so hard into my gums that it bled badly... which I only realized after I calmed down. That's really how pissed off I am to the max.

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life isnt fair. i know that much is true. but sometimes... i just wished that everything was fair game and that nothing would ever tear that dream world that im living in, despite all the confusion and paranoia i have towards it.

apparently, that single happiness was not granted to me.

i have been lied to by someone i did cherish deeply... because our affections towards a goal differ vastly. we were two different type of people. and in spite of all the odds that seem to have been pointing towards him, i have defended him and perhaps sacrifice a lot of myself for him.

for example; snoring - i hate people who snores, money - he's poor and cant afford stuffs but it's okies i'm willing to tolerate it, beard - yeah sorry no. i hate a guy with beard sometimes, studies/friends - i toned down a lot already (beside my character-wise) to spend a whole chunk of my time with him.

and he kept reassuring me that everything was alright fine and dandy.

but guess what?

he lied.

he only admitted things to me after he got really drunk last night. well, drunk enough to confess things as he put it. those things hurt me because it means i have defended and trusted in him for nothing. i feel hurt for myself and for the people who have been hurt by it subconsciously.... my tears cant stop falling.

i can lie to myself at certain stages that i'm fine and alright with things... but no matter what anyone says, it doesn;t change the fact he lied to me. and it can never change the fact how deeply hurt i am. time might not be able to change all this. i'm so deeply hurt that every now and again since yesterday, i cry all of a sudden.

i can hide myself well in front of others but.. i SEEM to be tiring out right now.

deep inside me, i feel like i wasted once again, my trust on someone else. and yet again, i am deeply hurt and dissapointed by what has occured.

i dont feel like studying for my exam on tuesday anymore.
i feel like dying right now and stabbing myself.
i feel like i have to atone for my friends' miseries.

and most of all, i feel like dissappearing from the face of the earth.

i dont belong here.
i dont belong anywhere else.

if i didnt, maybe everything would have been better.
been much fine and dandier.

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i haven't updated my blog in ages. dearie me. since i came here, i think everything in my life seems to be dragging me down. monetary, jobs, life, friends?

it seems never-ending, seeing problems around me happening to my friends. and funnily, i relate more to them now than i did before although i still have my insecurities. this may be because i know these type of people back in malaysia.

anyway, in reference to my topic. yes, im hating things everyday since i fell ill and got myself, a boyfriend. i have spent too much time with my dear guy to actually focus on my studies, just realized when i tried to re-enrol for my subjects that i don't have enough units to take the subjects i desired anddddddd im overdued on some assignments because i fell ill and i just cant be bothered handing it up now since my exams are like this friday!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *screams*

having boyfriend issues is also a tricky situation since i didnt realize that there'd be so many problems like friends confessing to me around the same time, and trying to not have them run away from me.

and yes, male version of emo-ing which is sulking in a corner and having 'alone' time does not help.

and my problem with my mom has escalated and became worst. it is close to not being solved at all... have i doomed myself yet???? i believe i have indeed.

i miss my friends in malaysia.... i feel like i need some bonding time with people there and talking online just doesn't seem as thrilling anymore as compared to face to face conversation. it troubles me because currently i have friends but sometimes i feel left out from things like events and mass-convos which i'm not good at dealling with. i feel like people dislike me for being overtly insane sometimes and when i tone it down, they ignore me.

i can't help feeling being hated .... and it hurts so much but i can't exactly say it because people might think i'm paranoid which i already am. i mean, how many people are going to come out and say, "YES! i very well hate you" ... not many people do. it's not really a good thing.... it's driving me insane.

i feel like i'm becoming more and more like my mom these days. it's like everything has an issue or maybe i feel people have an issue with me. it's killing me inside because i feel like crying when i talk to people. i'd like to help them but sometimes even when i'm laughing with them, i can't help asking myself... "what are they looking at when they look at me?", "what are my actions telling them?", and "what are my words telling them?". it feels as though i'm being scrutinized by every action, breath and words i say.... it scares me to death. it's not as bad as the asians when they do come out right to insult you in your face.... but the western country may be cruel too....

maybe maybe.... i'm just having too many problems of my own mentally that is driving me nuts and can possibly kill me right now.

*sigh*

i need a life.... and something to occupy my thoughts from relentlessly thinking too much.

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i........ am at loss right now. to bug to not bug... to love to hate...
everything is swimming in front of me, and i'm getting so fed up...
i feel like hiding in a corner and screaming, "Go the fuck away right now"...
but i can't ... because emotions just well, don't go down well...
plus tonight's mooncake festival day.... grandpa's 3rd? 4th year anniversary...
and i have a fever....
i feel like i'm burdening people again... actually i always have, haven't i?
i've been an idiot... who's done things...
i feel so insecure... like a baby child who refuses to let go of his mom's lap...
i feel enraged and upset...

i like sticks.
they're hard... and hit like hell.... it felt nice... earlier, getting hit by a stick.
i feel less emo, since i concentrate on the pain more than the emo.

nobody really likes me anyway...
they're just tolerating me....
i'm just someone who is emo to the point they need to tolerate me....
they don't really mean what they feel or think....

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expression for piss and emo. i wonder why i'm emo.

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i just can't talk to my mom.

she thinks i'm an idiot who has never tried every method at hand, and who loves to trouble my parents.

she hates my pitch and she thinks i'm a greedy bitch who EAGERLY devours freebies.

WTF is this?
so i'm greedy now? and for all the times, i reject my friend's good will... i'm a fucking greedy bitch who can't live within her means?

and i cant have yearnings because poor people, DONT!

people have yearnings even despite being poor... i'm sure a poor person yearns for warmth... for love ... for everything out of their means. so why can't i?

oh and my pitch????? i only used a hard pitch with my mom because she and me don't even get along since she hates how i sound like when i'm too happy... and is that wrong? i can't argue or do anything because she hates everything about me.

AND SHE'S MAD BECAUSE I BLOCKED HER?

hang on a sec, who started blocking me first?????

who the fuck said happiness existed away from home, LIES!

i can't be happy knowing my parents don't know how i live. and i cant help thinking about stuffs back home... despite jollying which i shouldnt!!!!!!!! FUCKING NUTTERS.

i ought to die.... i feel like dying....

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last night was the Olympic games opening ceremony in Beijing and apparently it was awesome, according to some of my friends who watched it. based on my personality, i'm sure most of my friends know that i happen to be one of the few people who kinda hates sports so even watching the beijing opening ceremony wasn't like my thing. but i haven't anything planned for the day itself, so i decided to just go home and sleep. after all, the events that happened the previous night was enough excitement and fun-filling for me.

so, as i was prepared to go back as miserable as i usually am... one of my favourite pals in the anime club, Owen invited me to do salsa... but me being a chicken as always, didn't want to get involved with it. i got dragged in though, on the account that Khanat will be tagging along plus, Owen was paying for my entry although i wouldn't have liked that at all. it felt horrid.

but the dancing was awesome... and we learned some of the basic salsa steps which not only enriched my knowledge... but let me, for the first time in my low confidence life, to look up and stare at the person i'm dancing with.. instead of looking at my two bumbling left feet... such confidence... was scary, since i never did do things like that.

amanda and muu (the pervert) was there too... so it wasn't that bad and i had many friends to enjoy dancing with. perhaps... i might try it again.

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i felt like being here in australia sometimes seems to be a dream.

when i wake up, i expect to see the familiar sights and sounds of home. although that being said, it all shatters into nothing when i open my eyes. the first sensation i feel is how thinly wrapped i am in a wafer thin layer of quilt that doesn't help much in preventing the cold that penetrates through it. clearly, even if i did step out of my comfortable blanket, i would have felt extreme chills that would sent me back to my bed and a mouthful of refusals of reasons that are meant to self-comfort myself the need not to get up; until the temperature in my room has stabilized.

sadly, even if the sights of home aren't around... the news and boundaries of it, still exists. home is still devastatingly horrid than ever. every calamity that i can tick off my list has enhanced triple times the amount of damage that has previously occur. i sometimes wonder is it me who has become a catalyst to the events that have unfold.

and yet, here i am... trying to find my way into the world. trying to find who i am. something that i never did have the chance to back when i was at home, surrounded by noises. perhaps for now, the cold air is actually a comfort for me compared to the familiarity of everything that used to be. one can't help but imagine the life of something... something much much bountiful and beautiful out there.

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it's white and cold. ^^;

the whole sky looks beautifully white unlike malaysia which is yellowish black in color.
expanses however are killing me... I couldn't take up any of the art and design courses this semester except for theory, which is cool for me but what i kinda cried and weeped about was the fact that... they don't use the cheaper copic brands here in australia.

what they use is the original copic markers (consisting of copic sketch and... okies... i forgot the entire label but there's 3... inclusive of the spray gun paint!!!) from Japan. yes, you heard me... JAPAN!!!! the price in australia ranges between $8.00 - $12.00 per copic marker which is insanely expansive for me after conversion. When you have to times everything by 3, it really makes things insane.

the cheaper brand we use in malaysia is called kurecolour and that already cost me back home RM11++ so.... wouldn't you agree that they should have sold a much cheaper brand here? *sigh* although it would have been lovely to touch and own my very own set of copics... from JAPAN. ^^;;;;;

and my photography class needs an SLR. which is expansive but is worth the money. i'm still looking for a cheap and reliable model since most of my money will probably go down towards processing the pictures.

gosh... for the love of art....

p.s. walking around aussie in the cold reminds me of winter sonata sometimes when the main characters walked around the lane of trees. <3

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My room has been cleared up... meaning it's now no longer a warzone as it used to be back then. i feel extremely hollow now whenever i look upon the room as i see the words 'CLEAN' jump right out at me. Really... i lead my life equilavent to any otaku guys out there... or basically most messy guys out there.

clothes thrown around, even on the bed. books and papers, maybe a bit of old unwanted clothings on the floor. toys scattered around the dressing table. dressing table shelves.... nah, i shall spare people the details of how gruesomely awful a sight it is. in total mess, mess, mess and more mess. oh, and the room has never been swept clean nor mopped nor touched for an entirety of two years... including the house... so there's cobwebs everywhere and dust and sand and... >.>;;;; insects?

=3= funny, ain't it? most people would have gladly gotten rid of the mess but i'm in love with it. to top it off, since i'm headed abroad... i had to chuck a big bundle of old clothings and papers away. this means 12 years of sketch drawings needed to be thrown out for recycling, just to make space for... nothing!? i have, with enormous effort made, managed to savely secure my old letters and favorite sketch drawings used to illustrate storyboards. if i have to throw that out, i'm most prepared to kick myself out with em'.

the best thing that happened right after the room was spot clean and tidied up? the bulb in my room died. the room is now completely shadowed in the dark, making it harder to move about since... i got so used to my old mess, even if i was blind, i'd have found my way around. kinda makes you wonder if blind people had to go through the same thing as i did, when new changes happen in their environment? it makes it harder to adjust to, really.

with that said and done, as of now.... i have my clothes packed. my shoes not yet packed. my food not yet packed. my laptop bag almost packed. my electronic gadgets almost packed. my cameras, not even packed!!!! (pity on my holga. T_T)....

and i'm already 30kg!!!!!! >...>

how'd hell am i gonna fit anything more in??? unless i chuck out my clothes, which are gonna leave me butt naked. dad says he ain't shipping any clothes or other stuffs over... so it's gonna be a darn shame to just leave things behind. >< urgh! thinking about it is giving me a headache. i wish i could like leave some of my stuffs with someone but like no one else i know is going down that day except for Ching Yee. i can't trouble Ching Yee though since she needs to carry her bundle down too.... ><; this is so bitchy.

p.s. how can people write awfully lengthy blog postings everday? it's an amazement to me... seriously.

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