5/16/2007 新しいブログ。My new blog. 

2006年03月01日(水) 10時48分



I've moved to http://yaplog.jp/paloaltolife/ The new blog will be in Japanese.

I'll keep this blog open and link to it from my new blog. I've also made a change here, so that the oldest entry comes up first on the top page. (You can go to the next page by clicking 《前へ》(in red) at the bottom of each page, and go to the previous page by clicking 《次へ》.)

Since the first anniversary of Kai's birth and death, I've started feeling that my entries no longer match the nature of this blog. Although there won't be any more new entries here, I'll always remember Kai.

3/3/2006 お腹の中。Safe in the womb 

2006年03月03日(金) 15時19分




The day before Kai was born.

We finally finished preparing the room for him. I said, "You can come out anytime now."

Kai, thank you for listening to my wish.

3/4 海偉の誕生。Kai was born. 

2006年03月04日(土) 13時15分





March 4, 2006. The happiest day of our lives.

Kai looked very curious about the outside world he was seeing for the first time. When Grandma looked at him, he looked back so intently. When Dad took pictures of him, he stared right at the camera without flinching from the flash.

He was good at drinking milk right after he was born, making a big gulping sound. When he was done, he slept so peacefully without burping or worrying about anything at all. I still remember the warmth of his body in my arms.

Kai, thank you for being born. We were so happy.

3/5 海偉の死。Kai's death 

2006年03月05日(日) 1時43分

Around 8pm on 3/4, about 4 hours after Kai was born, he was taken into the NICU because his blood pressure and his temeprature were low. His temperature didn't go up even after he was put on oxygen via a tube in his nose. We didn't know the cause and we simply believed Kai would be just fine.


Later, after midnight, Kai's condition still didn't improve. NICU staff found his feet were colder and there wasn't enough oxygen flowing to his feet. A bigger oxygen tube was inserted into his nose.


The next morning, the NICU staff said, "Kai's heart is different. His left heart is small." Soon after, a pediatric cardiologist came to tell us Kai had hypoplastic left heart syndrome (HLHS).


The picture (University of Michigan Health System) shows a normal adult heart on the right and and infant HLHS heart on the left.


(↓Click here for more.)

3/6 思い出の品。Mementos 

2006年03月06日(月) 13時28分



After Kai died, we came home from the hospital. My mother, my husband, and I wept all night long. It was a long night.

The next day, we were all tired, but went for a walk. We didn't want to stay inside all day. It was still cold, but a nice day. We saw a squirrel. Spring was near.

Everything I saw reminded me of Kai's absence. I wanted to show Kai the squirrel, I wanted to show Kai spring...




After we came back from our walk, my husband was moving around the apartment. I wondered what he was doing. He was taking pictures.

Our little apartment is full of things that remind us of Kai. The lullaby from the mobile on the crib has a kind of sad tune. When we first heard it when I was pregnant, I cried, saying to my husband, "I'm happy we're going to have a family".


The Tiger blanket was a Christmas present from my mother-in-law. I cried some more thinking about the people who cared about us and had been so looking forward to Kai's birth.


(↓Click here for more.)

3/7 日々を乗りきる。Coping 

2006年03月07日(火) 14時47分


We did several things to get through the hardest days right after Kai's death.



(1) We tried to go out, even just for a walk, every day.

On March 7, the third day after the delivery, I couldn't walk so well yet, but my mother, my husband, and I went to nearby Gallup Park. Everything still reminded me of Kai, and I wept, but getting fresh air made me feel better.


We saw swans, Canadian geese, mallards, and a beaver.





(↓Click here for English and more.)

3/8 キューピーちゃん。A Cupie doll 

2006年03月08日(水) 15時39分


A Cupie doll and rattles. My mother brought them from Japan. When I squeeze Cupie's head, it squeaks like a rubber duckie. The big rattle makes a beautiful clean sound like a wind chime. My mother and my father went shopping together and bought them. I felt sad thinking about my father, being alone in Japan.


Everytime I took vitamins and pain killers, I felt empty.


I wrote a letter to my students that I had been teaching until two weeks before Kai was born. When I was pregnant, they made up many funny names for the baby.

3/9 松ぼっくりと海偉の名前。Pine cones and Kai's name 

2006年03月09日(木) 8時27分

My mother seemed curious about pine cones when we went out for a walk. She said they didn't have such long big pine cones in Japan. "These are good for Christmas and New Year's decorations," she said. My husband and I helped her to gather them and brought them home. She was extremely intrigued by these little pine cones, which somehow made me happy.


My mother brought a CD of nursery songs from Japan. When Kai was still in the womb, I sang while listening to the CD.

(On the left: a CD cover of nursery songs, a book about bilingual education. On the right: a naming book on which Chinese characters are auspicious.)


We wanted to name our baby a name that can be both English and Japanese. We went back and forth between "Kai" and "Tyler". I used a naming book to decide which Chinese characters to use, but I couldn't find an entirely auspicious name for either name. The day before the delivery, we finally decided on "Kai" because we liked how it sounded. We thought we could decide characters later. (The charactres for Kai, sea and greatness, were decided later after he died.)

3/10 天使。Angels 

2006年03月10日(金) 12時03分

My husband and I went for a walk by ourselves in the evening. I looked up the sky, thinking the sunset was beautiful, and I saw angels in the clouds.





We decided to donate Kai's body to the hospital for their medical studies. We don't know when we will get his ashes back.

After the three of us finished giving him a bath, a nurse put a white gown on him. He looked like an angel.

The four of us spent time alone in a separate room. We put light blue "Winnie the Pooh" clothes on him. It was a little too big for him, but he looked cute in it.

We said good bye to him at the hospital. We haven't had a funeral or a service yet.



We received a basket of flowers in the afternoon. We made a little altar for Kai in the living room and placed his picture along with the flowers, cards, and toys.

At night, we turned the light off and lit a candle. For a while, no one spoke. I felt a little peaceful.

3/11 サボテン。Cactus 

2006年03月11日(土) 13時20分

We went on a picnic to nearby Matthaei Botanical Gargens. We took inarizushi (sushi rice in deep fried tofu bags) and tamagoyaki (Japanese egg rolls) for lunch.


We took Kai's picture with us.


We were able to make jokes to each other and laugh over small things. It felt a little strange.


Looking at the picture, we all laughed so hard, saying "Mom's head is growing out of the cactus."


I remembered it was Kai's one week anniversary.
〜ページ移動について〜how to navigate my blog
You can go to the next page by clicking 《前へ》(in red) at the bottom of each page, and go to the previous page by clicking 《次へ》.