grace and promises 

July 16 [Mon], 2012, 17:51
Somehow since I've returned home, I've never really felt at home. Everyone changed a little. Everything felt more distant. Like the world just spun on without me. No one bothered to fill me in, and all I got were 2 line summaries of what happened. No one really cared after a while. I realised, 2 months into being away and no one actually cares except for your family. Always there to hear from you.

You know, you could say that I didn't try to tell people what happened on my trip, and I admit, I stopped telling people after I came back for abt 2 weeks. Why? because those questions are usually conversational fillers. No true meaning to that, no one really remembers that or is really interested. I get cut off halfway and no one bothers to ask me to continue. They don't even realise I stopped halfway. When I brought up that I wasn't pleased with certain things they got frustrated that I wasn't happy with all they did for me? WTH man. What did you do other than send a message to another friend of yours. If you did that for me, well then you suck as a friend to that other person. You never even heard the whole situation and yet, you said you did a lot for me? yeah. I'm ungrateful then.

I'm re-evaluating friendships. I don't deserve so many and I see so many not deserving my friendship. but friends are friends, they last. Unless they suck my energy away.
You for one of many have actually sucked my energy away since forever, and I'm glad we're not that close.

I'm angsty and annoyed but at the same time touched by true friends.

I take my labels seriously, if you take them just as names, then let your just finally get back to you and confuse you. I like my structure. Live with it.

But I was looking at my title and remembering where the grace came from. I see myself so under law and structure. So like a baby. If I can see grace in its smallest forms, am I mature? If I don't exact grace naturally, have I at least reached adolescence and been given license to the inheritance I'm entitled?

I'd love to, but I know I'm not worthy, but I want it.
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