I am sitting here waiting to fly in the wind.
I know I am kind of weird since I was in junior high school. Although I am successfully socialized today, people still think I am not strange. I am calm, cool amd very rational. I normally don't show my feelings, especially negtive feelings. I am humorous but always keep a distance with crowds. A lot of people think I am their good friends beacuse I am a good listener and won't say no to someone who is in need of help. But I have no friends to share my life. People will say I seem like carefree and have no worries, but it is not true. The truth is I live a harder life than most people, psychologically not physically. I am rich, healthy and cute, but my lif is much heavier than most people. Because I can't just let things go. I can't stop asking the questions: who I am and where I am going. Because I am an INFP.
I will talk about this later. It is two a.m. and I have better go to bed.
I was overwhelmed in the past few days. The pressure is not from outside but inside. I feel anxious about my next step, my future, my age and my intellectual limitations. I need to stop and to calm down. It is time to give me heart a break
That is one example of how we are different. There is another one.
YiLing divorced because she found herself in love with another man. It is okay to me. The question is she doesn't even know the new man. I really mean she doesn't know him. They had only three short conversations about some official business. There is no private relationship! But she insisted it's love at first sight and the man had the same feeling with her. And when she got the chance to meet him, she expected the man to tell her how much he missed her and how much he loved her. Unfortunately, what she had expected for more than a month was not happened. The man just treated her like others. That broke her heart. So far, I can completely understand. What bothers me is her coming reactions. She began to ask every fortuneteller and believed in only the 'right and good' answers. Her blind faith and superstitious behaviors drove me crazy. Why would people rather to believe in someone else than themselves?
She is a very sweet girl. I like her very much, but I don't want to be like her.
Yiling got a job as a casher at a Taiwanese supermarket in Canton, where is twenty miles away from the city we live. There is a Chinese supermarket in our neighborhood area and is hiring, too. The salary is the same, 6 dollars an hour. But she chose to drive this distance and to pay the gas just because she didn't want anyone who knows her see her work as a casher. I can't understand why. Because of divorce and other things, I understand she needs the money. But why not the near one, if considered the reality. She is not an introvert; she would share her difficulties or the novel she wrote with friends. But she doesn't want people know she is working for life-saving money.
I am very introvert and take privacy as a serious thing. I won't even let my best friends and family to know my blog. But I won't be ashamed to say I need money. I talked to Yiling about this and said no one would look her down because of her job. But she just did not want anyone see her as a casher. I really can't understand why. I am from a nice family and am well-educated, just like her. But I always plan to work as a salesperson or a shop girl. I would like to experience different works and to feel more, rather than stay at a comfortable but boring life. I get my limitation; I can not be a cleaner. I have mysophobia. And I just want to experience life, but eventually I will go back to my normal life. Under these two prerequests, I would try without shame. I know it is not the same when you have a choice. But if you got to do it, why not look at the bright side?
I have a girl friend, Yiling. She is my first friend in Ann arbor and also one of my best friends. We share the same interests and aesthetic. But we have very different life styles. I am quite interested in the differences and the commons between us and will try to write down some specific moments and conversations to demonstrate how two people can be so alike and so unlike at the same time. Hopefully these notes will help me know myself and this world better.
It is not my first time to blog, but definitely the first time for me to blog in a Japanese-based website.
I am not a Japanese and can't read nor write Japanese. And most of my friends and family memeber can't, either. That is the reason why I chose here to start a new blog. I need a place where I can really speak my heart and don't be afraid of hurting others or myself.
Shortly talk about myself, just in case someone who might visit this blog by accident may get confused. I am a Taiwanese female, 27, and live in the U.S. now. I am a graduate student and my program is curriculum. I am still thinking about applying for a doctoral program. I am not very interested in research, but I hate go back to the real world more.
As a Taiwanese, I never found how much Taiwan society is influenced by Japanese culture until I came to United States. So I get more and more interested in Japan,it society and its culture. I like HOKAIIDO very much. It is the place I like most in the world, besides my hometown. It is really a beacutiful and has lots of beautiful people. I thought about getting another master in Japan several monthes ago, however I found no university in Japan would take someone who lacks the ability to use Japanese. I have to give up.
By the way, I know this blog will be the place I talk to myself and no one will visit here. But again, just in case, if any one has further information about foreigners studying in Japan wants to share with me, I will be appreciated. Or if there is anyone wants to drop me a note, please go ahead. All sugggestios, commends and advices are welcomed.