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Divorce continued... / 2005年03月22日(火)
I have a trauma from early days. It may be becoming a nightmare which can be easily awaken... And I can not control fear and anger associated with that.

I am going to read some self -help books to change my negative sides. On the radio I was listening with him, this psychologist said the followings: Anger is a half feeling which is totally legilmate and is not under our control. Feeling of anger comes up whether we ask for it or not. But the other half of anger is a behavior which we are responsible for. I think it is true and reasonable. In this light, I can understand what I did was wrong. I am not responsible for the angry feeling but am for the behavior I took by getting angry.

When I look back as I write, we were at it badly only for 12 hours, but felt like forever. Next morning, at the hotel room, we were doing it twice before getting up. I am afraid what would happend when the tension in bed completely disappear...
 
   
Posted at 15:03/ この記事のURL
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DIVORCE / 2005年03月22日(火)
This past weekend, he answered "Absolutely!" when I asked him if he really wanted a divorce. I would never expected that. He always said that he would if that was what I wanted or if I did not change my attitude. But on March 24 and 25, he said it clearly that he did not want to be with me for sure. I could not even believe what I was hearing. And now I feel like I can never trust him again, He is likely to leave me just like that. Doesn't he have any guilty feelings towards my family who has alway be so very understanding and giving? This guy can not be trusted. I should divorce him is I feel this way but don't have the courage. That's where it always ends. What am I going to tell my entire family?

The cause was that he came home at 4:30 am on Friday night from drinking at the bar nearby. I woke up around 3:30 am and realized he was not home yet. He did not carry his cell phone, so there was nothing I could do. So I put his stuff outside the room and locked the door. I was mad especially because I asked him over and over to come home since we were planning to go on a short trip the next morning. He didn't even try to come in the room after seeing the luggage outside the room. He went downstairs to go to sleep. I chased him down and asked for an apology only to make him more angry. When he wouldn't apologize, I told him to leave right away.

Fighting for about 12 hours, I suggested him we will go to the Marina as planned initially not to waste the free stay vouchers. And he agreed. We left around 6pm after eating some chocolate cake my sister baked. He must thought I was a donkey for wanting to make up with him after all.

 
   
Posted at 13:47/ この記事のURL
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