sympathy again....? 

June 03 [Sun], 2007, 18:15
yesterday I was suffered from a terrible sickness , because of the fuckin' tablet I had took the day before, so I can't be at the place on time , and I called captains and tell them I couldn' stop feelin throughin up so I'd go by myself.

it was obviously my falt takin medicine, and recently I haven be good physically (and actually , also mentally).so I thought nobody worried me and it was natural so I didn care.

but surprisingly many seniors cared me even I told them the terrible , weared, but real story.

what upset me most is that ' B ' asked me if I was OK when nobody around us .
it was nothin special now I think, but it was clearly I was not OK then... his asking was no soon after I was kidden by another guy, laughin, but my voice couldn't come out when he asked me.

after that , GOD played me again.
I and he were in the same car.
so shocked that I couldn say the words...at that time.
almost funny now... anyway I tried to pretend to be normal, and I believe it was so successful. of coure I didin' forget to be seen sad sometimes....

yesterday I also found me good at reling on my seniors.
I was invited to my senior's house and kept talkin 3hours, and we had a really good time.

there is one decision.
I'll go on a diet.in order to be perfect 1 week after , big event held.

sympathy again....? 

June 03 [Sun], 2007, 18:15
yesterday I was suffered from a terrible sickness , because of the fuckin' tablet I had took the day before, so I can't be at the place on time , and I called captains and tell them I couldn' stop feelin throughin up so I'd go by myself.

it was obviously my falt takin medicine, and recently I haven be good physically (and actually , also mentally).so I thought nobody worried me and it was natural so I didn care.

but surprisingly many seniors cared me even I told them the terrible , weared, but real story.

what upset me most is that ' B ' asked me if I was OK when nobody around us .
it was nothin special now I think, but it was clearly I was not OK then... his asking was no soon after I was kidden by another guy, laughin, but my voice couldn't come out when he asked me.

after that , GOD played me again.
I and he were in the same car.
so shocked that I couldn say the words...at that time.
almost funny now... anyway I tried to pretend to be normal, and I believe it was so successful. of coure I didin' forget to be seen sad sometimes....

yesterday I also found me good at reling on my seniors.
I was invited to my senior's house and kept talkin 3hours, and we had a really good time.

there is one decision.
I'll go on a diet.in order to be perfect 1 week after , big event held.

cannot live wihout ... 

May 25 [Fri], 2007, 0:31
I met him (B) , of couse I had known we would, but I wasn' sure I would be OK, and ... l wasn't OK. I donno whether he noticed that my attitude was unnatural,though I tried not to show that.
It is a big problem that nobody can see what he thinks or even whether he is upset or not ... even I cannot ( I have a confidence to see someone through )
I know I should look for someone else, I cannot live without lovin' someone and now I' m gettin to know I'm so depressed that almost ill.

first ,I 'll find someone who have ( to some extent ) interest about me even I'm not interested about him , such as H, R or S.
About ' R' , i think it's too difficut ....couz he is my close friend's ex-boifriend.
as to H, he is my friend but recently he's got a nice body and if we were , it must be secret one and that'll be so exciting !!
well, S is actually, my cup of tea, and I think he has some kind of feeling to me, which is good or hate I donno. but we have nothing ... to talk , nothing shared. There 'll be only one chance to get close to him... drinkin' party in our class held in July.untill then , I'll keep eye beam to him.

Second, honestly I cannot give up him, so I'll keep tryin'.
but this time , acting must be ultimately planned and well considered and perfectly caliculated, and most of all, secret .
if he noticed , even bit, it'll be the end, I 'll say that.
Actually I've already planned a little but in order to make them perfect, I wouldn't write down here now .

today , actually I was so depressed that I cannot move from the floor and think that I don' wanna live in this sistuation and find myself created by lies and wanna live as I am...who isn't covered with lies.

but now I try to believe the lie creating me is meaningless confidence and some day , they will be genuine, real.
Man cannot survive in war, in real life, without any arms and weapons.

any way , what I ganna do isn't to be depressed. I 've already be depressed enough....now have no time to be . well then, as a first step, I'll sleep for tomorrow.good night!!!

nervous break down 

May 22 [Tue], 2007, 17:36

There're so many things happened during not having written this though all of them are far from important, people feel. recently I'm so fucked ... I feel myself sick and I also feel people hate me couz if I were not me, I bet, I hate the person like me, I feel myself really boring and never beautiful ,( I love beautiful things ),my confidence which came from nowhere ,had gone and just think such feeling is in me, I feel like going mad...I hate everything !!! I'm just wondering ... I ganna die? well I fell ... I'm already dying.

sympathy? 

March 03 [Sat], 2007, 23:18
increadible things happened.
I feel ...it was a desteny...by some kind of force that can't be seemed .

I went to library in order to get important documents from my friend, but we hadn't decided when we meet.( I was to get to know him when aarrived)so i could go there whenever and it was only my dammy friend who I was going meet and had enough time to go to work, so I didn't have to make myself perfect.

However, I did.

I donno why.

and I smoked a little before I got in.

the moment I got in there, I found HIM decending the stirs.

Needless to say that I was so upset that i can' remember how I approached him.
it was kindest of him that I 've never seem him like that before .
he talked me soon after I decided (unconciously) to walk by saying hello with smile .(so it was unnatural standing place each other...)
I was really upset at that time, but now I feel the behavior come from shympathy... ... though he was so kind in nature.

I felt so mesery

but now I strongly decided that I WILL GRAB HIM .

no, it's just a step. 

February 19 [Mon], 2007, 11:12

it's already 5 days since i was broken.
I don' wanna say anything about that, but it made me completely knocked down,
and I lost myself .... I started to smoke. it's not still perfect though, I'm getting OK now.

Today, i had a bad dream...that he had a girlfriend who is really great....I like her
as a senior and naturally and conpletely beautiful. Night mare... that I feel still continues even I'm fully awake.

during these glay 5days , I think a lot .
first, there is still hope that he chose me coz he has NONE now ( I donno if it is
ture though) if I kept clean in my clothes and try to behave as if there was nothing between us, but when we are tongeter and no one around us , i'll show him me smoking and a bit tear!! I bet he'll be mine.

I think it was too early ... and I strongly believe that he never dislike me.
when we were toghther , he was so close to me that I felt curious even I
was so upset and of corse we were far from drunk.

well, and second, I'm ganna be in ENGLAND soon, and my friend ( I'll call her 'Z')
is studing here and I touched her yesterday , by e-MAIAL, and found that she had a boifriend!!!
actually , I was relieved to hear that ...coz she is far from beautiful and had
middle-aged-man face , so it'll be not so long before I get some of them.
I wonder if her boi is good for me, I 'll steal ...

I feel, I can do anything now .





rhythm 

December 03 [Sun], 2006, 12:09
yesterday was I thourht a chance to close to B, but it was terrible...
I was force to drink and of course rejected , but no use...
only three glasses of beer, actually really tired , get completely drunk and hard to wallk.what's more, there wasn' any chance in the party.
However, at last I got a side area in the train to him.
His reply to me showed how uninterested with me he was. I hope that his statement came from his shyness, or ...hesitation... I really hope so...

loving one too much , getting myself misery.

but I wasn't still mesery.
'coz after his unplite attitude toward me as a gentleman, I left him saying nothing ,even without grancing at him.

the rhythm is hard to step but I'm gettin' good at it.

the maneger who i thought was his type, is boring girl... no education, no humor, no money ,no experiance , no catchness , no cosmetic skill, no sence of fashion, just a yokel, country bumpkin, childish girl. ( she is 1 year older though...)
She sometimes wear the incredible knitwear that must be her grandmother's.
if he should go about with her, it would be kept going I bet. but it's easy to break.
coz there seems no fun and stimulous.

anyway, go easy,so I can get him.
actually I had anoter guy ,D , in my sight ....
It is needless to say that I 'll trying to get both




wake up!! 

November 03 [Fri], 2006, 12:58
yesterday, B didn't look me at all!! C neither.
I'm really depressed... remembering that I wasn't asked me to go to snowboading with some of the classmates , though my friends was, and I was there.

How DARE you!!!!!!

Of course I was trying to be calm and pretend not to be heard.
the guy who asked, is said he's lost his girlfriend recently, and is talkative,but not so good looking and very short. In that case, I never have to de disappointed.It's waste of time.

However,I'm really irritated, nothing happened.
what I have to do? I think the best way is to PUSH.This time , very boldly.
and next, get him away very clearly and obviously.
Finally, checked him very upset and hungry, I 'll give him a hand, saying, I'd like to go to drink together.
the point is to do every step obviously.
Man is always slow to notice.

well, now all I need is courage and boldness.







Jease!! 

November 01 [Wed], 2006, 20:28
yesterday, the attitude of B was curious....
He glanced at me several times, but he didn' look me in the eye when I said Good Bye to him!! he was lookin' the other direction....a friend of mine, who said to him that just a moment before I said, and is defenitely inferior to me in every point!! well ... I didn' see him today, probably that is why I feel like going mud.

I think I'm so stressed that my skin shows.

tomorrow, I'm busy working but I'm going to meet him.
we meet at least 3 times a week but there's been no chance to close to him ....
I feel blue ...just thinking nothing is gonna happened next.

need someone to help?
well, yes, there is a man who is one of the best friends of him and he seems to be used to make a kind of relationship, but I' m afraid he is too intimate with him, and is sometimes very serious. what's more, I don' wanna have that known.

with little more... 

October 29 [Sun], 2006, 21:46

we had a big party yesterday , keep drinking until 3 am and ate nikuman at 4 am drinking again, and ....it was almost at 7 am that I arrived home....

B was there of course,and unexpectedly, he talked to me !!! both were never drunk!!1 what's more , I answred with one or two , smiling , and I thought the conversation was finished, so I looked another direction, he , next to me, glanced at me several times ,seems to tryin to say something to me , so I turned right , as I had expected, he asked me if the empty seat right in front of him was mine.....

What a sweet statement...so I reply, with more sweet saying than that, that it wasn't but I wish I could. Thanks to my gift from God... I could say in a moment and the next action was also great, I think. I left him! That surely made him hungry ...

all my action is thought over. But it doesn't always do. In case that I'm drunk. i ...touched him sometimes ....I mean, Oh I don' wanna say any more.

I think I could get him with some action and endurance.


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