Thinking too much..

May 24 [Mon], 2010, 20:54
Now I start to realize that I am always thinking too much...
and that's why I have too many burdens... and that's why I feel so stressful and anxious
and that's why it makes me keep myself away from the reality....
and that's why the outcome always turned out badly... not even what I've been thinking about..

so...!!!
I guess I have to stop thinking sometimes... lolz (so contradictory)
on one hand, I hope I could think more about human relationship, about myself, about people who surround me, about the reality (like how to make money)
on the other, I hope I won't think "too much".... coz it leads me to anxiety ... and I feel like I am really stressed out. Sometimes I got let down by this feeling... and that's why I didn't work hard to achieve my goals... because I feel so tired!!!! mentally I mean....

Huh.... it's so tough to have a balance between these two thoughts....
but I know... it's always hard and tough to have balance in our life...
ok.... let's start from today...
sometimes.. think!!!!
sometimes....don't think!!!

lolz....

Graduating soon??!!

May 14 [Fri], 2010, 11:22
Hahaa... time fades away, and now it's May 13th already......
I have no idea of what I've been doing these few weeks/months, and even these few years....
Father has been spending money for me to earn a degree or even a master's degree..
and still, I have no idea of what do I want to do ....

ai.... sometimes life gets stuck at some points, huh?

Tomorrow is the graduation ceremony...
actually I don't have to walk, or even I don't want to, but somehow I feel like deeply in my heart that I want to walk with mak ho, or otherwise, I will regret in my entire life... lolz.
so... have fun tomorrow!
Perhaps I will walk only once in my life... lolz, so.... seize the moments.

This semester is suck!!!
Ditched almost half of the classes.... OMG!!!! so lazy!!
ai.... still, please don't feel regret of anything that you decided to.
yea, laziness is the biggest enemy I have to fight with for my entire life, huh?
so strange..... why people out there could be so hard-working but not me? due to biological differences?
come on... don't blame on that! you know why you are so lazy, right?
Why??? um....... hard to tell... lolz
I know... some sort of feelings that don't want to move, don't want to work...etc.
and most importantly, I got affected by the environment and people who are surrounding me so much!!!
I want to be 自強不息 instead!!!!

Next year is gonna be a totally different year!!!
I am gonna explore the possibilities in my life, and gonna find thing(s) that I am really interested in.
1 year.... this is some sort of limitation to my life.... I really have to find out something!!!

Love.... something means a lot to me, but sometimes desn't.
and I know deeply in heart that "well, love determines a woman to be successful or not"
ok....... so........... I am afraid of it..... and I really have no idea about am I gonna admit this phrase or not...
so weired... maybe I need some time to figure it out still.

I know I have some sort of avoidant attachment style...
due to being kept distant away from mum and dad in childhood....
I guess I am not with mak ho... coz he's the only one I can fully express my true self with.
but also, I guess he doesn't like the true pui!
hahahahaaa............ lolz.

I've been realizing that this attachment style leads me to have some sort of avoidant friendships in my life.
I hate or afraid to be so close with other people, and also, that's because of my laziness. (lolz)
so.... I guess I won't have those really close friendships...
I abandoned some friendships as well...... and I really don't fee regrettful about them. (maybe because I hate to be hurt by others, and because I notice the true self of others...etc)
but just one more thing, I just don't want to be alone in my late-adulthood...
1 or 2 friends who I can still keeping contact with is good enough to me.
I just .... yea, I know that... I just want someone to be my listener because I know sometimes I need support from others.
Or maybe, when the day comes, I could be mentally supporting for myself with no one else. lolz.. hopefully that's the case actually!

ok.... enough... haha!
sometimes I notice that flat emotion means a good thing in my life...
time to back to work... lolz...

ga yau!!!!

.....

April 09 [Fri], 2010, 11:39
唉... 我真係好唔開心呀... 開開下車都可以覺得好唔開心.... 好想喊... !
我覺得好煩好煩好煩好煩!!!!!!!
點解要咁多 traffic, 點解要有咁多噪音???!!!!
我只係想返到屋企安安靜靜... 點解咁都唔可以???
我要搬呀!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MEAN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alhambra 就真係太遠啦... 應該唔會考慮...... 睇下k town 邊度有d 好 d 既地方啦.... Hopefully 有啦!!!!!!

唉.... 部電腦中左毒.... RUN 得好慢好慢好慢好..慢...好慢...好....慢................... 唉.......
好頹!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

係唔係我要求太多? 係唔係我唔知足..
我知你已經唔再 care... 無論我點, 你都係咁既樣.... 什至無感覺架啦... 我都知!!!!

有時眼見其他情侶拍拖.... 男朋友好似成日都帶女朋友出街...
一齊出街食飯.... 唔出街都會o係屋企一齊煮下飯仔... 大家分擔下 share 下幾好呀...
要求都唔係過份呀.... 好合理呀, 唔係麻? 係咪我有 d 野諗得唔岩?
或者女朋友既角色本來就應該係咁既.... 煮飯, 洗碗, 洗衫... 做黃面婆囉.....
唉..... 咁我寧願自己一個人好了... 反正係唔係都係自己煮, 自己做哂 d 野.... 係唔係都係自己養自己架啦...
咁點解要養多一個人...照顧多一個人.....

可能你未出黎做野啦... 同埋你既隋性都好強... 同我有得揮.... lolz
所以有時我真係覺得好煩好"炆".......
諗落以前你做野 o個陣, 你都會俾錢我用, 買野俾我, 又幫我還卡數....其實算係好好架啦.....

不過係近呢幾年, 大家又再一齊讀書... 同埋仲要過黎美國..... 洗費同以前都無得比啦, 呢邊咁貴....
所以其實我都明你點解唔想成日出去食飯既... 好多時你可能出去食飯都係為左陪我....
但係, 可唔可以要求慳錢既同時, 你自己都做返 d 野呢???
有時我真係覺得要長期照顧一個人係一件好累好累既事.......
我幾時都可以俾男朋友照顧一下起居飲食???
或者唔同啦.... 你要既係起居飲食上既照顧, 我要既係精神上支持.... (咁好多時你都有俾到我既.... 當然都有例外啦...)

唉...........總覺得好 stressful, stressed out!!!!!!!!!!!
可能加埋尋晚唔夠訓啦... 訓得2個幾鐘, 但要踩 9-7..... =___="""唉.....

Place to release stress..

March 25 [Thu], 2010, 6:51
gradually this place has been becoming a place that I can type anything, like the true feeling, and to release part of my stress. Glad to have here so I am not becoming a blow ballon.

Recently, I ditched all the classes..... like 7 out of 10 classes in a week. WT!
Sometimes I really have no ideas what I am doing and I want. Life...... seems meaningless to me sometimes! WHY? Is that because I am lacking of motivation? Some positive motivations........ Where are you guys???

I am falling behind the schedule and class materials... really behind!!!! And the problem is, I am not catching them up.... OH MY GOD!!!!!! I think I will be regretful days after, huh???

Contradictory feeling is so annoying!!!!!!!! Can I just go straightforward? Please.....!

P.S I hate the noise outside, it distribe me a lot!!!!!!! I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I can't live normally!!!!!! I become so mad whenever it comes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED TO MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling sad or bad?

March 12 [Fri], 2010, 22:52
Feeling like this .... drives me soooo crazy!!!
it's like not being friend with anyone is the best solution to me!!!
I do really want to keep the distance from everybody!!! as if I am not that kind of person who can keep a close relationship with!

I really hate this feeling, and I hate myself as well!!!

Still, some other people are really appreciated. It makes me want to be friends with them... but I guess...
I guess..... it will come out the same result days after!!!!

I think I really need to be alone, clear my mind, especially my inner personality!!!!

I guess I will not going to that place and playing again! I guess I will not talk with some people from now on... that's what I decided and I wish I could follow my mind/feeling!

One more thing, I hate using the slow speed internet at home!!!
Should I really get another cable, so I don't have to worry about the when will the slow speed "appeared"? =(

I WANT TO BE ALONE!!!!!!!!!!

Bad Manner

March 12 [Fri], 2010, 3:18
Sometimes I really got a bad manner ..... to everyone!!
I know it.. and I admit it!

失敗!

March 11 [Thu], 2010, 7:22
好明顯之前定既o個個.... 1號到4號每日只係用 $10 既目標... 失敗左.....!!!!!!!!
OMYGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
梗係啦... 成日掛住出街食飯同玩 poker... 點會慳到錢呀!!!???
慳到真係好神奇! 算吧啦, 其實你可能真係無得救架啦!!!

書又讀得死死下... 都唔知你自己做緊
其實你知唔知自己做緊????
唉....... 唔好後悔就得啦!

New start? Again... and again?

March 01 [Mon], 2010, 15:03
好啦.... 今日3 月1號!!!
1號到4號既目標係每日唔用多過 $10 + 唔出街食飯 (excludes starbucks...etc)

Hopefully I can make this little target....

養生之道

February 24 [Wed], 2010, 21:05
好..... 今日記低.... 一D 想做好耐但都無成功既事

1) 多飲多食豆類製品, 例如豆漿(無糖), 豆腐.....
雖然係無味... 但係對你皮膚好, 身體好呀, 阿貝! 聽話啦.... !!!

2) 少飲凍檸茶同可樂!!!
我都知好好飲... 特別係凍檸茶呀麻.... 飲都可以, 唔該走甜!!!!!!! 如果唔係就唔好飲啦... 好似飲糖水咁...
可樂就更加少飲啦..... 明知代糖仲衰過真係糖... 飲茶咪夠囉... 飲茶起碼對身體無害先啦
成日飲咁多甜野..... 真係好容易好容易有糖尿病架!!!!
到時又要用好多好多錢去醫.... 仲大把野都唔食得添!!! 你自己計過啦!!

3) 少食多油既野!!!
例如炒飯炒粉類.... 韓燒, 打邊爐... 仲有就係你呢排好鐘意食既 pretzel 呀!!! 其實真係好油架!!!

4) 戒食宵夜就最好啦
你自己都知... 宵夜真係好毒架!!! 積聚o係身體入面既毒素好高架!!!
而且比平日食野更加容易肥 x 10000000000000000000..... 唔好食啦... 想食就盡量晚餐食埋....
就算真係覺得肚餓都忍下口啦!!!! 唔好講唔聽先得架....
食完第二朝起身個肚又脹住脹住... 好辛苦架!! 你唔係唔知啦....

5) 多食消淡既野
例如菜類.... 粥類....
係無当。架啦.... 食一排啦... 對你身體好架!!!!! 食返1,2 個星期你就睇到個效果!!!

6) 呀... 最後就係少飲珍珠奶茶啦!!!
你都知啦... 係膠黎架... 身體又好難消化... 佢又會積聚o係身體入面... 百害而無一利呀!!!
少飲為妙.... 唔係話唔俾你飲..... 只係唔需要日日飲... 平時已經好就你架啦... 想食棟A食... 想食幾多就幾多...


呢1,2 個星期忍下口啦!!!! 我知係好難一時改變"習慣".... 仲要係咁多年以黎都一直有既習慣
加油啦!!! 我係為你長遠既身體狀況著想咋!!!
順便可以慳錢同減肥麻!!!!!!!
肥足20 年.... 24 歲啦... 都仲係咁既樣... 仲要愈黎愈肥, 愈黎愈大隻....
到老... 新陳代謝變慢.. 到時想減就好難架啦!!!! 況且青春一去無回頭.... 無架啦!!!
所以依家好好努力啦... 我唔想你30 歲望返轉頭就已經後悔........
仲有6 年.... 時間過得好快架!!!!!

Recently...

February 24 [Wed], 2010, 19:09
ai... life is sooooo stressful....
as long as you earn enough money for you to spend the extravagancy.... otherwise, you will get stuck .... at any points
=____=
ai..... so down ar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (roar)
ok, I admit it, at this point I'll have to refund the TV for a half grant to support my daily live!??? not really though, because those money will go to pay for the "debt"... and I lend someone another half grant earlier, the point is I didn't expect he will return it to me. OMG! still, I have to pay for other's living expense! WHY WHY WHY??? forget about it....

really want to save some money... but obviously to me... NO WAY!!!!
just because the temptations and attractions that are surrounding me... like the foods... the shoes... the clothes.. etc

and except for those foods and shoes, there're so many "extra expenses"
what I mean by extra..... are the things that I didn't expect to be happened!
but actually I do...! it's just ...... I didn't want to pay for that... like the car repair, DMV registration fees (like a grant or something! OMG!), monthly insurance payment, monthly lease payment.... the rent is fine because that's what I expected and it's in the budget..... but some other things are just out of my budget!!!! OMG!!!!

ai.... mama didn't transfer the living expense for two months! yes, two months!!!!! So suck!!!!!
I have to spend extra for supporting my lives again???? O..... M....... God!!!!!! I didn't want it to be happened!! but I got no choices!!!! Hopefully she will send it to me soon! Please....!!!!!!!!
The feeling of "waiting for money" is really bad!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate that feeling and I meant it!!!!!!!!!!!!
so is trying to save or earn money the only way to survive?

whatsoever!!!! sometimes I really enjoy single life.... what I mean by single life is really a single life! No partner, no friends..... what I spend is only for myself! what I spend is in my expectation!!!
ok....... I'm done!! I really don't want to spend time on typing these things out... and then things happen again in the furture! What I want is taking the actions!!!! suppress (you may say so) the temptations and most importantly, clear my mind and stand on a new starting point!!!!!!!!!!!

Hopefully.... yea... hopefully.....
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