How come? 

January 31 [Wed], 2007, 6:09
L:Hey how long are you still here for?

B:I'll leave here on March 19th. Will you miss me?

L:Heh of course but you never hang out with me.

B:Because you never call me.

L:I text you a month or so ago but you never responded so i just thought you didn't want to hang out.

B:Really? Maybe i was abroad at that time.

L:Oh i see. Well we should hang out eat something and watch a scary movie.

B:Sounds good. Looks like you still remember i hate scary movies.

L:Hehe i know.

B:I'll hang out with you if you let me pick the movie.

L:Haha ok i guess

B:I'm going to sleep. Call me when you wanna hang out with me.

...How come I still can't ignore him?

chat, chat, chat 

January 26 [Fri], 2007, 14:38
I told myself that I could never be serious with Jay.

You know, he is too young, and taken.
But I thought it would be okay to have some fun
as long as we were being "just friends".
That would never hurt anyone else... besides me.

I've been keeping all the log of our chat on MSN.
May 29th, June 4th... then, June 25th, 29th...
I can see our chat was getting changed since then.

We started flirting on the MSN.
We talked on it for a couple hours.
With having something in the back of each mind.
Our chat was getting some fever though we were still joking around.

But, at the same time, we were still so cautious.
I neither wanted to get hurt, nor to hurt him. Neither did Jay.
I was getting lost in the chat with him gradually....
Couldn't tell which was real and which was not....

Not only chatting on the MSN,
we often met at somewhere around my place.
Actually we were taking a same class on Weds.
But... still nothing had seemed to happen....

The last weekend of June,
I went on a road trip with my friends for the first time
since I got my driver's license and my car.

Without my laptop.

a sign of summer 

January 26 [Fri], 2007, 13:30
Nothing seemed to be changed.

I had started thinking about Jay more than I used to do,
though nothing seemed to happen between Jay and me,
because Jay had a girlfriend, and we had to be just friends.
However closer we got, we were being just friends.

I would call him "my favorite boy" jokingly.
That was all I could do to show my feeling to Jay back then.
I think Jay already knew what I really wanted to mean,
as I recognized Jay looked at me differently than before.
Well, he might have been looked at me in that way
before the party night, when I found that.

We got together the next Saturday.
"We" means not only me and Jay, but two other friends.
Actually, we were planning to go clubbing at the party night,
but we couldn't make it since one boy got too drunk.
We put off it by a week, and the day had come.

We hit a hip hop club in downtown.
It was the very first time for Jay to go there.
I was kinda nervous before we got in the club,
since I was really not sure if Jay would like it.
I knew He was really into hip hop music,
and I didn't want to make him disappointed.

I found that was a right decision pretty soon.
We had some drinks, and had too much fun there.
I enjoyed dancing and watching Jay.
He was standing on the floor, and looking up at the DJ.
He looked so happy with the loud and mixed music.
I couldn't help smiling... I was so happy, too.

Some guy came to me, and started dancing with me.
I thought that would be fun at first,
but soon I became feeling annoyed with the guy.
Jay read the feeling on my face, and come to save me.
It didn't work well actually, still it was so sweet.

Yeah, I was feeling so happy.

Until I heard Jay's cell ringing,
and he left the room to answer the call.
His face was telling me that he was confused.
I had no doubt that was from his girlfriend.
I was.... I was pulled back to reality.

"Jay has been taken by someone else."

June had almost passed.
Summer was only just around the corner.

Jay said... 

January 24 [Wed], 2007, 11:58
It was on Satuday night.
It was just before the summer quarter started.

We had about 20 guests at our apt.
Some of them were going crazy, and I was got mad at them,
but basically I had a great time with my friends.

I'm now looking at the pics taken at the night.
Those funny and silly pics bring back me to the night.
Jay cooked for us. I caught him cooking in a pic.
And I got drunk.... so did Jay.

My tiny apartment was filled with friends.
Living room and kitchen got messed up as the night went,
some friends got into and chilled out each bedrooms.

At some time of the night,
I found Jay lying on the floor in my bedroom.

I think I said something to him.
maybe kinda joke or a bit nasty thing.
I don't really remember what we were talking actually,
well, maybe I was saying like,
"I'm looking for new boyfriend, but I can't find anyone good.
I have only younger boys here, where should I look for...???"
with ironic intent.

Then, Jay said to me.
"I rather like older women better than younger girls"

Though I had tons of younger guy friends,
No one of them had showed any interest in me.

But Jay did.

I got so surprised and nervous, and looked at him.
Jay looked a bit drunk, but still so cute as usual.

I felt a lil earthquake inside of me.
No... it was more like an overflow of tide.

The tide had been coming in little by little since March.

slow down 

January 19 [Fri], 2007, 10:56
After the move, our days went slow.

There were still 7 days of the break left,
We, I mean, I and my roomie, just wasted them.

It seemed everything was going slow and down.
I still have a crush on Lee I mentioned before,
One of my best guy friends left for his home for good,
I had nothing to do... nothing to look forward to...
I was getting addicted to Internet....


I might have been waiting for him online on the MSN.
I had been having him on my friends list since the end of May,
when we chatted on it to talk about the summer jam.
He told me he usually chatted with his friends online
since it was cheaper for him than talking on the phone.

But I didn't talk to him at that time.
I saw him online almost everyday, almost all the time.
Honestly, I wasn't able to talk to him.
You know he had a girlfriend, and he is younger than me.

I was afraid that I was gonna fall for him,
and that he could know how I feel to him.

I didn't wanna admit that I had a crush on him.
I wasn't able to do that since I was trying to behave my age.
I believed age is a big matter for love.
Especially women are older than men.

On the other hand...
I was always seeking for any chance to see Jay.
Then, I decided to throw a housewarming party.
I and my roomie invited lots of friends to the party.

Of course, including Jay.

sunset at a beach 

January 17 [Wed], 2007, 16:06
At the begging of June,
just after the end of the quarter,
I was gonna move into new apartment.
I was gonna to start living with a friend.

I asked Jay to help us with the move.
Because the move was supposed to be too much work for us.
Since we didn't have any elevator in the building.
I also asked some friends to help us.

It was really fine on the moving day.
I still remember the day very clearly.
The move was not that hard as it had seemed.

After everything was done,
I took my friends who helped us to dinner,
and then to a beach to see sunset and night view.
Of course, Jay was there as one of them.

The sunset was so beautiful.
We spent a long time there til the sun went down.
We talked a lot, laughed a lot, took too many pics,
walked down to the beach, see the sunset and the night view.

Hey, I remember Jay walked with me.
I always walk too fast, don't care if anybody is with me.

But he was there for me.

I don't think that's why Jay cared about me.
I think he was just sweet, too sweet to leave me alone.
I felt a lil uneasy though... because of my lil crush...

He was still a boy, just one of my friends,
though I felt something diffrent when I was with him.

a lil secret crush 

January 17 [Wed], 2007, 15:38
I can't say which of us started it.
You know, it was like a game at first.

I remember that...
Jay found me on mixi (did he searched for me on it?)
Jay and his guy friends asked me out several times.
I was always too busy to say "OK" to them back then.
I gave him a dessert when we ran into at a cafeteria.
I knew he was missing the dessert at that time.
I finally went to his friends' party at the end of May.
I told him that there would be a summer jam in July.
The first time we chatted on MSN messenger.
Jay bought two tickets for the jam for two of us.

Even we behaved like that,
we never imagined that we would be in a relationship though.

After the Lee left, I was always looking for a new love.
But I never thought Jay could be the one at that time.

You know, as I said before,
He was so young, honestly, too young,
and had a girlfriend back in his hometown.

I know I must admit,
Jay was my favorite boy, actually.

I liked talking with him.
I usually had a seat close to him at the class.
I talked to him almost every time we both attend it.
I got kinda disappointed when I couldn't do that.

That's it.
There was no further meaning.

Just a lil crush.
Sweet and secret crush.
That was to fill the emptiness in my heart.

I didn't have anything else.
I was still screwed up when the quarter ended.

another guy 

January 17 [Wed], 2007, 5:48
Anyway, we got to know each other.
I guess it was after a while since the quarter started.
Or... maybe sooner than I think.

You know, I didn't care about Jay at all at that time.
He was just a classmate, one of my new friends.
Even after he got his name, his voice and his face in my mind.

We got closer as the class went on.
We always talked in the classroom every time we attend it.
I would love to talk with Jay since I found he was so cute.

Yeah, I must admit that I realized he was my type.
He was so young, and had a girlfriend though.

Well... but actually...

The reason why I don't remember the beginning of us is
I was so busy back then, I mean, from March to May.

I was busy with everything... clubbing, working, studying...
And above all, I was so busy with love for another guy.
Yeah, I was falling for the guy who I met at a nightclub.

Say his name was "Lee". (of course, it's not real one though)

I met Lee the day after my birthday.
I thought he was kinda birthday gift.
I thought I and he were meant to be.
I know how silly I was... That could never be true.
But I was so into Lee back then.
Too into to think about anyone besides the guy.

But Lee stopped calling me soon.
I didn't really understand why he did so.
Guess it was because of poor communication.
Guess I should have been more honest to him.
It was too late when I realized that.
Despite that I couldn't stop thinking about him.

I got stuck on Lee.
Even after I broke up with him.
Even I knew he would never be back.
It took a very long time for me to get over him,

And it also took a while for me to find out Jay.

the very first day 

January 16 [Tue], 2007, 16:01
I don't really remember the very first moment we met.

I remember when it was.
I can even recall the day and the time.
We were at a classroom.
We were attending the very first class of the quarter.
The teacher made us play a game, that was kinda silly game.

I don't really remember how it was....
well, we stood in a circle in the classroom at first.
The teacher picked a person and threw a ball to him\her with saying "Hi, my name is XX, nice to meet you!".
Then he\she who caught the ball had to do the same as the teacher did... and it went on and on till the last person did it.

It was the very first time we met.
I must have heard Jay's name, seen his face.
But I didn't recognized him at that time.
I don't even remember when I recognized him for the first time.

Jay was just a boy.
Had no name, no name, and no voice.

But he finally came in, and is still staying in my life.
Since the day we made up our mind.
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  • アイコン画像 ニックネーム:My name is Bee
His name is Jay.

We've been together since last summer.